No Im not going to fix you.

ugh! what is it with people. they always come to me when they have problems.
"WAAAAH! my life sucks and i wish it was different!"
"have you tried changing it and going at it from a diffrent angle?"
"diff-different angle?! i could never do that!"
"well per-"
"nope nope! could never do that! i better stick to the old way! LALALA! i cant hear you!!!"


well if your not going to even try to let me help you then FUCK OFF! im not your fucking psychotherapist! if that was the case then you would be paying me to listen to you whine and bitch. should start telling people this. "oh you wanna talk? okay that will be $5 an hour" heck even if they just wanna yell at someone, they can put a paper bag over my head with a picture of someone they hate on it and wail away. but it will $10 for that service.

as for the freaking girl you STALK! no, not love, because love is when you snuggle and give them space and NOT declare them the second reincarnation of Jesus and smother them! leave the poor freaking girl alone! its obvious she doesn't want to be with you!
if you offer to spend new year/Christmas/lunch with her and she tells you to pound sand, id say that's some kind of sign. or perhaps the fact that she gets pissy at you when you spend GOBS of money on her. but hey, i am but a lowly chicken deep fryer i know nutting. deehhhr!

oh, and as a side note. SHE ISN'T ALL FUCKING THAT! it still burns my butter when you bring up stories about how EVERYONE is out to bang her up the @$$. yes, the same chiropractor that i go to and did the same procedure to me as he did to her, was doing it in THAT way. because you just have to look at her, and, you know! like give these people a little credit! they are not going to risk there:

1. practice
2. reputation
3. family and friends

on some scrawny frizzy haired girl. don't get me wrong she isn't ugly. far from it. but she isn't making every human on earth drop the their knees in awe. she only has that effect on you.

hahah! I've just ignored you and gave you the time to garble out all your thoughts and you finally came to the conclusion that I've been trying to cram into that thick concrete skull for months now! *banging head on desk* do you hate me?!
ha! i now asked you if you 2 have ever talked it out about your feelings. took you only 5 mins to comprehend this very tough question. OH! you never had? well then. perhaps you freaking should! this would clear up a lot of the "OMG!! FUCKING LOVE YOU! WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME BACK?!?!?!" questions. like perhaps she doesn't want to swap spit with you the rest of her life? cooooould be!

so you 2 are getting together on Wednesday to spend the night? you don't know what time? or if its really happening? *banging head on desk* i think my brain cells have committed suicide. is it possible to transfer stupid cells through the Internet?

ugh! so she can never relax? they don't have parks where she lives? its too cold for that? oh i forgot Ontario doesn't believe in summer! how about a library? too many people? they don't have parks where she lives? no? wall to wall housing? no trees, just stop signs and traffic lights? god forbid a patch of grass? nope? just slums? i see.

awww shes lonely! well if shes as anti social as you say she is then perhaps its her own damn fault! but wait! shes god! that means people flock to her! not the other way around!

aww you will always be there for her, and she will always be there for you? ain't that sweet! i think all this sentimental BS has given me cancer. AWWWWW *gush!* too bad you 2 live so far apart! you will always have MSN though!

i better log off before one of 2 things will happen:

1. ill tell john i don't give 2 fucks about his pathetic problems and that if he would just tape it ill listen to his whiny ass problems when my transplant sympathy nerve has healed up.
2. ill commit suicide with the nearest plastic bag.
   

UGH! sorry i had to get that off my chest! its not jealousy, or even envy. its the pure fucking annoyance. 2 weeks! 2 horrible ear bleeding weeks of the same shit different day! just sacrifice me to some demigod! PLEASE!

in other more positive news! i found eye candy!
bar, Thursday, behind Kayla. he was over 6 feet, had brood chest and shoulders. he wasn't lanky like Jeff and not built like a freaking BC tree like john, he was a nice middle mix. nice brown hair (I'm so sick of blonds with blue eyes) with deep coco colored eyes. and a chiseled face. something out of one of those romance books i consume. Kayla turned to me and asked me how old i think he was. all i could think was DAMN i hope he is still in his 20s! drool drool! I'm surprised the waitress didn't demand we clean up our puddle.
and of course Kayla said i should go flirt with him. yeah, right! super model buddy wouldn't give me the time of day! not tubby, lil fugly me. okay I'm not really ugly, but I'm sure as hell not the pick of the litter.

I'm actually kinda scared to loose weight now. i know weird for a girl to say. but my sister-in-law lost gobs of weight! and looks faboo! but when i went to hug her it was like all the other scrawny people, I'm terrified i would break her! i don't want that to happen to me! i love bear hugs! i don't want people to be afraid ill be crushed! nehh!

I've also thought up a new awesome pic i wanna take! i wanna shove my head in the fish tank and have a friend take a pic of it. i think it would look cool! id want to take some measures to make sure that my hair is clean of all products so my poor fish don't get sick. and COMPLETELY clean out that tank so i don't get poop or ANYTHING in my eyes/hair. cuz that would be so incredibly nasty :X ill probably wear goggles.

im going to go eat an orange now... mmm orange.

Lost, then found. But not the way I left it.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
Glory, glory to, glory to,
beating the shit out of something we stole!

So we are driving home from grandmas. i spot this black bike that looks A LOT like the one bike that was stolen from my place. said supercycle on the side. we stop dad backs up and we take a look. sure as hell it is my bike. its an old bike, and i don't know many who have the same bike, never mind a hard model to find.
it had the one missing cap on the "shock" and all the clips for the lights.

i could have cried. not because i found it, but.. because... it was gone. they destroyed it! how could they?! it was my 1st real bike! my dad bought that for me when we were flat ass broke and i was kissing my knee caps whenever i tried to ride my old pink one. i went to folk fest for the 1st time on that bike.
and now, its gone. they destroyed everything. the gear shifter is busted and hanging on by a single wire. the lights were ripped off, all the cords yanked out, brakes are pulverized and twisted at odd angles.

memories flashed in my head. riding it and feeling free. now its an empty carcass and i knew it was gone. so we got back into the car and drove away.

i think i need to write about this.

Drawing to conclusions

memo to self: NEVER do artwork before work. i get to frustrated. which, for my job, isn't a good thing to be walking to work with.
UGH! drawing and such use to set me free! i could doodle away and it felt like i had wings. now... it seems like every time i pic up a pencil vines wrap themselves around me, trapping me and not allowing me to create anything.
and every thing that i create, just, never seems good enough. NEEEEH! i wish i could go back in time and relive my free feeling lifestyle.

I'm starting to hate DA too. i rarely submit anything, and it makes me feel guilty. like everyone is waiting on me and is pressuring me. i know its unlikely, I'm not even close to that popular. i dunno. i just feel that every time i go online i should submit something. i cant wait for this artist block to dislodge. *looks for mental crowbar*

that and i don't like writing journals there either. it feels like i have to be positive. i actually had one kid ask me to stop being sad because he was sad already. er well then don't read my journal. tish.

pretty much On The Verge Of Prozac is my safety spot. i kind a feel free here, less pressured. mostly because the only people that really know about this blog is Scott, Paul, and Molly. all 3 barely pay attention to it so it doesn't feel as constricting.

i guess i just don't like hurting/offending people. and really, isn't a journal suppose to be a free writing thing? where you don't have to worry about others opinions? that's why i like my online blog. my parents can barely understand how to turn on the computer, and none of my friends really know about it. i think i may have mentioned it once.

bah. i gotta go to work now. i still wanna try and tackle that art piece. until next time art! i shall return!! *insert angry eyes here*

Achooo!

Holy shit! i
just sneezed and my one eye went lazy. I'm serious! it was like the sneeze was too powerful, and my eye was all "what the f@#$ just happened!?" couldn't see out of that eye.

so me and my mom were fighting again. okay let me rephrase that. she was yelling at me trying to insult me, and i pointed at laughed at her. was really easy on my end. pissed her off right good too! its a talent really....

naw, this time it was my fault. i shouldn't have been teasing her. its just that.... i dunno, she hasn't really been doing anything lately really. other then CONSTANTLY asking me questions. its like a fucking pop quiz ever step i take.

mom:POP QUIZ! whats your favorite color?!
me: OMG!! hu um...
mom: Quick Quick! *buzzzzz* awww too late. maybe next time
me: eh *insert twisted, butt tasting, face here*

in other news, i honestly think i have insomnia. i cant get to sleep anymore! I'm starting to look at the rum bottle with hungry eyes (i sleep better when drunk) but i honestly don't want some crutch. ugh. probably stress. my best bet. well I've got less then a month left before exams it feels like i cant remember anything. Christmas, enough said there. and Scott. PLUS my ever so wonderful family.

we are going to Paul and molly's Sunday, so I'm hoping i can get enough sleep before we go. otherwise the kids will eat me alive. perhaps ill just snooze in the laundry mat on Saturday.mmmm sleeeeeeep.

anyways i gotta get off my duff and get some stuff done.
this was a really pointless blog....

Fast Car

irony. its a bitch. i go to write a blog about scott (again) and the one song that always reminds me of him came on. which is fast car.
whenever i hear this song, it always takes me back to the memorys of when we 1st started going out.
it was play this was playing the day after our accident while we were driving. and the one day that we bought lazer pointers from the dollar store. we were flat broke and that was all we could afford. i never had a lazer pointer before that and scott bought me one. we played with them in the car while this song played. i miss those days. i sometimes wish i could go back to those days when scott loved me.

anyways. i called him yesterday to talk to him about the cell. dad ran over the family cell. so i need to cancel my phone with scott and connect it with my dad when he gets his new phone.
i told scott that he had 2 days to call me and figure out what he wants, if he even wants to talk. if he doesn't call in the 2 days, then im going to take it as we are over. so he has to Wednesday.
i honestly don't know if he will call or not.
if he doesn't, and i finally call him to give him back a bunch of his stuff, i wonder what he will be pissy. i dunno, its up to him. im no longer going to force him into this relationship if he doesn't want to be in it.


in other new, work new, it was hella busy.
and of course only a pinch full of people are working. one cook and me. the rest are standing around and talking.
bryce that is the so called "the best worker here" (only in her mind) just stood there while i ran back and forth from the kitchen to the packing area making gravy, scrapping cookers, and dumping chicken. then she has the gull to be all "why haven't you made the classics yet?" er because im fucking running around bringing the chicken up and trying to get the cooker ready for the next clamshell to go down. i didnt see you jump up to make them, or better yet get and gravy's made.
she gets a fucking bug up her ass and fucks off into the back. leaving me alon up front trying to pack by myself. which im okay with. least then i dont have to worry about stumbling over her useless ass when im trying to make meals.
like fuck! you wonder why im mad? then fucking do something!!! you whine and bitch when im not helping you out and bending over backwards to help you. yet if i need a lil extra help its like im asking you to chop off you left nipple.

why is it that if i don't do almost everything i:

1. don't get out until midnight
2. get fucking pissy attitudes from the employees
3. and get my ass chewed out for doing nothing by the management

if im not on a dead run each night im useless. and the best is when Hazel tells me that i shouldn't egt a break because she doesn't when she works. well thats because you dont fucking work.

actually im just going to go on a rant about hazel for a bit.
she tells everyone that they cannot stand around and talk yet her and her favorites do that constantly.
she has a shit fit at us for eating the food, yet as shes bitching shes shoving chicken fries and gravy into her face. because thats not the pot calling the kettle black.
she fucking pulls policies out of her ass. its like she has some anal policy reservoir back there. BUT it can only be used to her benefit! ONLY!
like everyone should wear hair nets even ellie (who has a short guy like cut) yes hazel, whos hair is longer then ellies, is above hairnets!
when i dont know something or dont know how to do something she bitches me out and tells em that i should. er okay ill use my mind powers and gather all the info i will ever need from thin air.

she always tells me that i fuck up the cash all the time and that i cant count. yet she couldn't even add up 2 penny's to saver her black soul. 1/2 the time when she works i have to fix her fuck ups because they are messing with my work. i cant get the nights paperwork right hazel if you insist on not doing the procedure right!

but the best yet is when she CONSTANTLY accuses me of stealing. yes hazel, its all me. im the theif. ive been there for 3 years now and have been slowly draining money from KFC to support my crack addict (oh yeah by the way im also a druggy) even though im almost always on time (like 5 min late at the most unless ellie pulls her awesome tricks and changes the schedule without notice. ) and take extra shifts if im not booked to the tits. and in hazels mind when i say im booked to the tits, it means im busy out drinking, doing coke, and having sex on some womens tits. cuz im that kind of girl.

i could go on and on, no really i could. but im hungry and dads home for lunch. so cya later!

cuma cuma Kamelian?

ugh, talk about terrible week.
monday was the christmas party. i got major sick the next day. stomach flu i think.
so i missed math and bio. i am never NOT going to math. if my arm is sawed off and i have SARS i will still go! i missed that one class and i was soooooo horribly confused :S i could have cried.
so because of this i think i may have bombed a test.
and hanna was being a douche. i swear to god that man despises me.




i swear that is how it would go down! i was sick, so that immediately means he gets free range at being a jerk. Asshatzilla coming through RAWR!

k, foreign music is funny! its some Japaneses song and 1/2 through it it switches to English. and all they say is "watch my leg love twitch." i wonder if we make up weird shit like that in our songs.

then scott had to work through his birthday. which pissed me off! i wanted to make him a lemon cake, perhaps dinner, and just have a sweet birthday together. but NOOOOOOOO Brian and Debbie had to send him off to some bloody crap hole in the mountains and have him work there till like 7. so his birthday blew major ass. i felt really bad for him. i got him some nice flannel sheets as a present though! they are dark blue (almost black) and FUZZY! they are really nice! i hope they keep him warm. even though he has the fan on every night....
anyways, i spent the night and he drove me home.

i was grouchy all that day (which was yesterday) so i was snippy to pretty much any poor soul that graced me with there presence. that and i had a killer headache the would no go away ALL day. not that mom and lee were great help. lee made sure that he stimed at level high, as mom whined about everything from the way the air tasted to why toe nails grow.

but then scott came to rescue me! exsept that we had plans to go see a movie. very terribly planned plans. as in, where are we going? dunno. what time? dunno, which show? i am legend. oh! its playing? i dunno.

in the end we got it so that mel, her brother, and his 3 friends, scott, torin, and i were going to see the movie in spruce at 7:35. i wasn't feeling 2 great, and was able to snag some food that i could shove into my face before the show started.

we get in (i was only charged as a youth! ha!) get some snackiez, find a seat and sit down to watch the show!

i had no idea what the movie was about. scott just said that it was really cool looking and that will smith was in it. from what i did see it looked like one of those shows where this guy was the last man on earth blah blah blah.
turns out this is some horror like movie where a thing thats suppose to cure cancer turns people into zombie vampire things.

me and horrors dont go well. like if i was pepper granules sitting in a dish of water, and horrors were a bar of soap, i flee as far away from this as possible.

so im freaked out completely. i crying, putting imprints into scotts arm and trying to crawl into the seat and get away. completely freaked out. and to top it off i felt like throwing up. great movie scene hu?

all scott did was say "i thought you knew" er, if i did, do you think i would go 20 feet near it? i got freaked at WAR OF THE WORLDS! like come on! if that made my skin crawl then this movie made it run a marathon. i tell mel that i wont be able to handle the whole movie, and im going to go. she feels bad and offers to drive me home. shes got 4 guys with her that she has to take care of, so i tell her no.
i lean over to tell scott ive gotta go and that im walking to his house. he says "i don't want you to walk. here, go sit in the car." then hands me his keys. thanks sweetly. your so nice. don't offer to sit in the car with me, or (heaven forbid) drive me home. yeah, Torin was with us, but Scott could have at least figured something out.

like what is it with him?! why cant he think of someone else other then himself?! yeah i understand that you spent 10 bucks and really wanted to see this movie, but im freaking out! how is it that i can bend over backwards to try and help others out and make them comfy, yet one of the few times im honestly not able to handle something i gotta tuff it out?!

why cant he be more caring? why cant he love me? what the fuck am i doing wrong?! i thought he might have change! yet every time i get hope its always stomped out! its like its his fucking hobby! its times like this i honestly think he hates me. why, i dont know but he does. he must if he enjoys seeing me upset.

i just wanna curl up into a ball and listen to my music. just get lost. never return. perhaps thats why people stay in comas. its safe and warm there. no pressure just you.

also. i was just pretty much told that one of my best friends, Amanda, was okay with the fact she might never see me again when she moves to Vancouver. i don't want her to move. ill miss her too much.

i wish i was loved. im going to go blow my nose and go to bed now. good night.