Strawberry Hill.

I forgot how much i love the cabin and why i never want to leave that place ever again. and i wanna live in Athabaska's!

our cabin is built on this hill, its fairly steep and is a pretty good trek to get to the top. is also has a lil area to the side with a fire ring. 1/2 way down the opposite side of the fire ring is an outhouse.

but the whole hill was covered with strawberry plants, clovers, different kinds of colorful mushrooms and wild flowers. it was so pretty, it honestly looked like something out of my cheesy romance books. and because it was getting close to fall, it was this wonderful mesh of red, pink, orange and green ground cover. i sooooooo didn't want to leave!

we went for a hike, and the whole time i was collecting these mushrooms that looked so cool! and they were huge! like they averaged at the size of your hand. it was really neat. sadly dad wouldn't let me keep the mushrooms to bring home. lol i really should find some books on wild mushrooms, plants, and animals of Alberta. maybe one of insects.

then we went for a quad ride. i haven't driven one in years (3years), so i was VERY rusty.
anyways Andy, family friend and owns the cabin beside ours, said he wanted to go cut down a few trees that were laying across most of the paths. me and my dad are thinking,"sure we can help you bring some back for firewood." and we were thinking like arm/leg size trees. so we hitch this 1/2 rotted falling apart trailer that looks like it was use by Jesus.
dad tells Andy to take it easy that im getting my quading legs again. Andy says okay ill take the easy way.

and at 1st it was easy till, then i remembered, Andy's crazy. so as im bouncing along fighting my machine in the mud, scooting past complete drop offs, taking tight turns, and getting caught in knotting roots that try to pull you every which way, we get to a tree. its kinda bigger then what we expect but we cut it (crazy Andy with a chainsaw) we load it into the Rhino dads using. we go up a tiny bit and see this Huge black poplar and Andy beams to us "if i cut the bottom off 1st it wont slingshot the saw when we finally get there!" and begins to saw off hunks of this tree. its muddy and im lifting hunks of tree that are as round as me (if not as heavy) and tossing them onto this trailer that has been slowly falling apart and i have had to stop and pick up the pieces on the way to the tree. we load up all the logs and head off.

Andy gets to this one part of the path that looks like it was chewed to shit by a pissed off guy with a tractor (Andy) and Andy tries to go through. gets stuck. we finally convince Andy that he has to ditch some logs and winch himself out. he insists on not leaving them, nope we must throw them back on again! so about 2 hours later, and 3 more time of Andy getting stuck we are finally on falter land. and as im riding behind Andy im watching logs bounce and threaten to roll off.

yeah because of Andys lil adventure i showered out god knows how many seeds, 3 leaves, a stick and god know what kind of plant out of my hair.

that was part of my weekend. oh! i did pet cute lil baby mice! they were so sweet! it felt like more of a holiday then folkfest and Frag put together.

as for artwork i am planning on putting some up soon.

bye bye!

Vista = devil

I really have nothing to say other then, VISTA MUST DIE!
why on this good earth would they make a program to purposely piss you off?! i had Internet explorer running and i was looking at multiple websites! (like DA blogger twitter my email) And out of the blue this thing pops up saying "windows is gay and explorer is shutting down because it supposedly stopped working for no good reason" then this bar came up in another window, which i swear said "fuck you and die windows user" then it shut everything down and restarted explorer. everything i was doing gone. all my emails, journal entries, other important things, all gone.

so to really get to the point, instead of having a journal filled with love and happy notes about folk fest i shall now whine about vista. just like the other 80% of vista users. the other 20% have already committed suicide because of vista and really having nothing more to say. well except a short note about how vista ruined their lives.


ANYWAY, my dad wants me to get going to we can get everything ready for fold fest. so i better get going.

Ill be gone for about 4 days listening to groovy music and more then likely being rained on. i will bring back colds and pointless hippy gifts for everyone! specially for you Amanda!
but hopefully when i do come back my computer will be fixed (yes its broken again and Scott had to take it away to fix it) so then i can load a few of the random shit have been piling up for a bit. like all the outfit designs, my "everything is cuter with wings" and other random junk that will all probably end up in scrap. horra!

crap. i guess i really gotta go now. well see ya all on Sunday night! <3

I see butterflies.

The pain inside spreads through me and expands like the wings of a bird. i wanna cry.

I bought some new art supplies today.

And now for phase 2!

Okay, passed the crying phase now. onto the pissed!
okay so it might be the spiked smoothies ive been chugging down since, oh i dunno, 12 and considering its now 2 thats alota smoothie! I dont care! im a drunk chick with a keyboard! FEAR ME!!!

or at least be weary!

Who the hell does he think he is to try and get this idea that he can pretend that im special to him then tells me he would date my best bud in a heart beat?! im am soooo worth more then that! yeah i may not be a size double zero, and i may not be no head turner, but fuck! i know im not freaking ugly! ive been sized up and hit on at the bar tons of times. i got even hit on by a freaking LESBIAN! fuck if you can turn on both sexes you must being doing right in my book!

so fuck him! he wants a fucking sex buddy that he can have come to him at his beck and call he better start looking in the god damn fucking pound! cuz thats the only bitch that will be in his bed for a loooong time!

should fucking plastic wrap a dildo and gay midget porn to his fucking car!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

strawberry seed and vodka are gods way of giving you the thumbs up for revenge!
but i will be a good citizen and force my dad to help me get my drunkin ass onto the top bunk on the bunk beds.

and if you think im pissed when someone does something to piss me off when im drunk, you should see me when im pissed at someone for hurting a friend.

AMANDA! if anyone hurts you, give me vodka and a shot glass. their ass will be MINE! cuz i wuv you!
in the most non homo way possible. but if i was a homo... growl!

Same goes for you molly and paul! I R MIGHTY!!

im also luving when im drunk to. i feel sick :S

FUCK DA WORLD! i cant feel my teeth....

Ghost of A Stranger

I did something stupid again today. i don't really wanna talk about it. i wanna ball in up into this huge mass and bury it somewhere just because I'm sick of crying (like i am right now)
or pour it out of me in one huge flash.

i wanna put it onto paper, but it seems that no matter how hard i try i cant. nothing i make can express what i feel. i hate this feeling. i hate being filled with some emotion to the point where i wanna explode, and have no way of releasing it.

I'm angry, sad, relieved, and empty.
i wanna be distinctive and throw thing, smash cups, rip papers, yell, scream, cry, show everyone how much pain I'm in. but at the same time i know that's not very constructive. i know it will only make other people angry or sad.

i haven't felt this helpless since grade 7 when i tried to hang myself. i don't want to die though. cuz i know that this will pass. i just wish i could go into a deep sleep until it passes. i wanna curl up into a ball.

my heart feels like its been shattered again. even though it still has the bandages from the last attack. maybe I'm a sucker for pain.
perhaps i can find my canvas and paint something. i find paint is a lot more releasing then markers or a computer.

I guess i should dump whats wrong with me here. its suppose to be a journal.

me and Scott have been hanging out a lil as of late. not a whole bunch, just him coming over to fix the computer. well yesterday we were suppose to go see a movie, i kinda wanted to use that as a judge as to whats going on in our relationship. cuz when i do talk to him and have been around him hes been really sweet and acting like he does actually want to be in some kind of relationship with me that might have some kind of actual meaning to it.
well in the end it ended up being Scott, Mel, my dad, and me all going. 2 more people wanted to go but there wasn't enough room.

Mel had come over before hand to say hi and pick up her hair straightener. while here Mel, me, and Scott were talking. well i noticed that when Mel was here he ignored me and payed almost all his attention to Mel. which was okay i guess. so i asked him afterwards if he still liked her he said yes and i suggested that he just take Mel out on the date. he just blushed and said she would never want to go out with him. not that he didn't want to but he figured she wouldn't.

then Scott and our family went out for supper, Scott needed to shower, and lee wanted to rent a movie so we did all that then Scott went and picked up Mel again. again i opened up the discussion as to his feeling with Mel, but Mel hopped into the car before we could really get anywhere with it. picked up my dad and went to the movie (which was the new harry potter by the way)

after the movie we dropped my dad off and i grabbed Mel a movie i was going to borrow her. when i hopped back into the car Scott is getting Mels new cell #. and we dropped her off. finally i was able to talk to him about all this and this is pretty much what i got out of it.
he would be more then happy to go out with Mel. he figured that he needed her cell # so that if he ever does get the balls to do anything he can at least call her. his only draw back is that he figures Mel would be uncomfortable with it. which she would if he was trying to take her out on a date. but i told him if he started out as friends over coffee it might work out.
So he still has eyes on her.
I told him i couldn't do what we have been if he is thinking about Mel. it isn't honestly fair to Mel if he does try to get together with her and it isn't fair to me. I told him i would talk to him later some time. he said maybe tonight i told him no. i hope he got the message.

i want to be with someone that wants me, and only me. i kinda came up with my idea of a perfect boyfriend.

he will:
be polite like Jeff, opening doors for you and such.
sweet like Scott, listening to you when you have a problem.
fun like john, always got some kind of thing to show you.
funny like Dillon, making your sides hurt.
strong like my dad.
he has to be able to take control some times.
likes to snuggle. other then to get sex.
wants to try different things, and go different places.
will enjoy going on dates that consist more then just movies.

i know, a fantasy guy but that's what i wish i could have.
perhaps ill just find some shack and go buy 30 cats. and 2 dogs. least they wont demand that much from me.

i feel so tired. i wish i didn't have to be the reliable one all the time.

gotta go downstairs and help me parents clean the basement. bye


Jem




She looks kinda how i feel.
i did that in MS paint yesterday cuz i didn't feel like loading Photoshop. i forgot the earing at 1st and had to go back and put it in. i kinda looks like crap cuz i did it really fast. oooooh well!

Soul Suxtion

I was so happy yesterday! i got to hang out with one of my awesome friends. we had a blast! and i swore i was walking on sunshine!
we went to west ed, got some food, (oh dear god did i gorge! it was awesome!) then went and got our tickets for the Simpson's movie, (which was really good!) and then headed over to the porn shop. we bought that pirates movie, the really cheesy one that makes you laugh too hard to even be remotely turned on, and the lady i really like was working. she has one of those cool auras around that instantly makes you feel at ease with her. and shes got an amazing smile. I've started to notice peoples smiles. its true you truly are the prettiest when you smile.
anyways so, my friend nabbed pirates, and the lady told us if we spend over $100 we get free porn, so i grabbed a toy and condoms. never know when you need condoms. like in condom wars! sorry, inside joke. i really got to post a video of that on youtube. then again, do i really want mass humiliation? yes....
again off topic, we got our free porn, (selection was crap, like 40 plusXXX and Anal fiesta!) find some teen thing. we honestly just bought it cuz we liked the chicks outfits. we are dork.

watched the movie, laughed super hard! spider pig! sadly, as usual, i had to go to the washroom 1/2 way through. damn pop! why must you torment me so?! then after we headed home. i had 45 min to get to work, but we hit rush hour! oh how i hate you! so i got to work at like 5 on the dot. then it went down hill....

KFC is like some evil happiness eating monster, you know, the ones that you feared when you were young that lived under your bed. and every night you had to face it, even though you told society that you don't wanna and that you hate it! every time i got there i try to keep a good optimistic outlook, yet by an hour in i wanna curl up into a ball and cry, is it right to despise your job? yeah the pay is good but i hate it with a vengeance! wanna burn it down and piss on the ashes!
and its not even just the people i work with, because most of the people there are super cool. its just the place makes people become evil and intolerable. which makes me sad.

i feel like my friend some days (usually after a day of work at KFC), i wanna move into Edmonton and find a job there, maybe work in a porn shop, its honestly one of my dream jobs. don't know why but i like the idea of being in a small store where i can be involved with people one on one where you cannot really be prejudice about any of that.
heck I'm not one for living large i really only like have a handful of things, my computer and the Internet. i don't really like TV and I'm not too picky when it comes to food, or living arrangements. if i find a job that can help me pay for rent, lil bit of school, and food, I'm happy.

I sometimes feel like just running away from it all. my family, job, and everything. start fresh, and create a new life from scratch. sadly its not that easy.

anyways i gotta go to the washroom. and its getting late.
night all!

R is for ROCK!


SO ROCK ON!