No Im not going to fix you.

ugh! what is it with people. they always come to me when they have problems.
"WAAAAH! my life sucks and i wish it was different!"
"have you tried changing it and going at it from a diffrent angle?"
"diff-different angle?! i could never do that!"
"well per-"
"nope nope! could never do that! i better stick to the old way! LALALA! i cant hear you!!!"


well if your not going to even try to let me help you then FUCK OFF! im not your fucking psychotherapist! if that was the case then you would be paying me to listen to you whine and bitch. should start telling people this. "oh you wanna talk? okay that will be $5 an hour" heck even if they just wanna yell at someone, they can put a paper bag over my head with a picture of someone they hate on it and wail away. but it will $10 for that service.

as for the freaking girl you STALK! no, not love, because love is when you snuggle and give them space and NOT declare them the second reincarnation of Jesus and smother them! leave the poor freaking girl alone! its obvious she doesn't want to be with you!
if you offer to spend new year/Christmas/lunch with her and she tells you to pound sand, id say that's some kind of sign. or perhaps the fact that she gets pissy at you when you spend GOBS of money on her. but hey, i am but a lowly chicken deep fryer i know nutting. deehhhr!

oh, and as a side note. SHE ISN'T ALL FUCKING THAT! it still burns my butter when you bring up stories about how EVERYONE is out to bang her up the @$$. yes, the same chiropractor that i go to and did the same procedure to me as he did to her, was doing it in THAT way. because you just have to look at her, and, you know! like give these people a little credit! they are not going to risk there:

1. practice
2. reputation
3. family and friends

on some scrawny frizzy haired girl. don't get me wrong she isn't ugly. far from it. but she isn't making every human on earth drop the their knees in awe. she only has that effect on you.

hahah! I've just ignored you and gave you the time to garble out all your thoughts and you finally came to the conclusion that I've been trying to cram into that thick concrete skull for months now! *banging head on desk* do you hate me?!
ha! i now asked you if you 2 have ever talked it out about your feelings. took you only 5 mins to comprehend this very tough question. OH! you never had? well then. perhaps you freaking should! this would clear up a lot of the "OMG!! FUCKING LOVE YOU! WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME BACK?!?!?!" questions. like perhaps she doesn't want to swap spit with you the rest of her life? cooooould be!

so you 2 are getting together on Wednesday to spend the night? you don't know what time? or if its really happening? *banging head on desk* i think my brain cells have committed suicide. is it possible to transfer stupid cells through the Internet?

ugh! so she can never relax? they don't have parks where she lives? its too cold for that? oh i forgot Ontario doesn't believe in summer! how about a library? too many people? they don't have parks where she lives? no? wall to wall housing? no trees, just stop signs and traffic lights? god forbid a patch of grass? nope? just slums? i see.

awww shes lonely! well if shes as anti social as you say she is then perhaps its her own damn fault! but wait! shes god! that means people flock to her! not the other way around!

aww you will always be there for her, and she will always be there for you? ain't that sweet! i think all this sentimental BS has given me cancer. AWWWWW *gush!* too bad you 2 live so far apart! you will always have MSN though!

i better log off before one of 2 things will happen:

1. ill tell john i don't give 2 fucks about his pathetic problems and that if he would just tape it ill listen to his whiny ass problems when my transplant sympathy nerve has healed up.
2. ill commit suicide with the nearest plastic bag.
   

UGH! sorry i had to get that off my chest! its not jealousy, or even envy. its the pure fucking annoyance. 2 weeks! 2 horrible ear bleeding weeks of the same shit different day! just sacrifice me to some demigod! PLEASE!

in other more positive news! i found eye candy!
bar, Thursday, behind Kayla. he was over 6 feet, had brood chest and shoulders. he wasn't lanky like Jeff and not built like a freaking BC tree like john, he was a nice middle mix. nice brown hair (I'm so sick of blonds with blue eyes) with deep coco colored eyes. and a chiseled face. something out of one of those romance books i consume. Kayla turned to me and asked me how old i think he was. all i could think was DAMN i hope he is still in his 20s! drool drool! I'm surprised the waitress didn't demand we clean up our puddle.
and of course Kayla said i should go flirt with him. yeah, right! super model buddy wouldn't give me the time of day! not tubby, lil fugly me. okay I'm not really ugly, but I'm sure as hell not the pick of the litter.

I'm actually kinda scared to loose weight now. i know weird for a girl to say. but my sister-in-law lost gobs of weight! and looks faboo! but when i went to hug her it was like all the other scrawny people, I'm terrified i would break her! i don't want that to happen to me! i love bear hugs! i don't want people to be afraid ill be crushed! nehh!

I've also thought up a new awesome pic i wanna take! i wanna shove my head in the fish tank and have a friend take a pic of it. i think it would look cool! id want to take some measures to make sure that my hair is clean of all products so my poor fish don't get sick. and COMPLETELY clean out that tank so i don't get poop or ANYTHING in my eyes/hair. cuz that would be so incredibly nasty :X ill probably wear goggles.

im going to go eat an orange now... mmm orange.

Lost, then found. But not the way I left it.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
Glory, glory to, glory to,
beating the shit out of something we stole!

So we are driving home from grandmas. i spot this black bike that looks A LOT like the one bike that was stolen from my place. said supercycle on the side. we stop dad backs up and we take a look. sure as hell it is my bike. its an old bike, and i don't know many who have the same bike, never mind a hard model to find.
it had the one missing cap on the "shock" and all the clips for the lights.

i could have cried. not because i found it, but.. because... it was gone. they destroyed it! how could they?! it was my 1st real bike! my dad bought that for me when we were flat ass broke and i was kissing my knee caps whenever i tried to ride my old pink one. i went to folk fest for the 1st time on that bike.
and now, its gone. they destroyed everything. the gear shifter is busted and hanging on by a single wire. the lights were ripped off, all the cords yanked out, brakes are pulverized and twisted at odd angles.

memories flashed in my head. riding it and feeling free. now its an empty carcass and i knew it was gone. so we got back into the car and drove away.

i think i need to write about this.

Drawing to conclusions

memo to self: NEVER do artwork before work. i get to frustrated. which, for my job, isn't a good thing to be walking to work with.
UGH! drawing and such use to set me free! i could doodle away and it felt like i had wings. now... it seems like every time i pic up a pencil vines wrap themselves around me, trapping me and not allowing me to create anything.
and every thing that i create, just, never seems good enough. NEEEEH! i wish i could go back in time and relive my free feeling lifestyle.

I'm starting to hate DA too. i rarely submit anything, and it makes me feel guilty. like everyone is waiting on me and is pressuring me. i know its unlikely, I'm not even close to that popular. i dunno. i just feel that every time i go online i should submit something. i cant wait for this artist block to dislodge. *looks for mental crowbar*

that and i don't like writing journals there either. it feels like i have to be positive. i actually had one kid ask me to stop being sad because he was sad already. er well then don't read my journal. tish.

pretty much On The Verge Of Prozac is my safety spot. i kind a feel free here, less pressured. mostly because the only people that really know about this blog is Scott, Paul, and Molly. all 3 barely pay attention to it so it doesn't feel as constricting.

i guess i just don't like hurting/offending people. and really, isn't a journal suppose to be a free writing thing? where you don't have to worry about others opinions? that's why i like my online blog. my parents can barely understand how to turn on the computer, and none of my friends really know about it. i think i may have mentioned it once.

bah. i gotta go to work now. i still wanna try and tackle that art piece. until next time art! i shall return!! *insert angry eyes here*

Achooo!

Holy shit! i
just sneezed and my one eye went lazy. I'm serious! it was like the sneeze was too powerful, and my eye was all "what the f@#$ just happened!?" couldn't see out of that eye.

so me and my mom were fighting again. okay let me rephrase that. she was yelling at me trying to insult me, and i pointed at laughed at her. was really easy on my end. pissed her off right good too! its a talent really....

naw, this time it was my fault. i shouldn't have been teasing her. its just that.... i dunno, she hasn't really been doing anything lately really. other then CONSTANTLY asking me questions. its like a fucking pop quiz ever step i take.

mom:POP QUIZ! whats your favorite color?!
me: OMG!! hu um...
mom: Quick Quick! *buzzzzz* awww too late. maybe next time
me: eh *insert twisted, butt tasting, face here*

in other news, i honestly think i have insomnia. i cant get to sleep anymore! I'm starting to look at the rum bottle with hungry eyes (i sleep better when drunk) but i honestly don't want some crutch. ugh. probably stress. my best bet. well I've got less then a month left before exams it feels like i cant remember anything. Christmas, enough said there. and Scott. PLUS my ever so wonderful family.

we are going to Paul and molly's Sunday, so I'm hoping i can get enough sleep before we go. otherwise the kids will eat me alive. perhaps ill just snooze in the laundry mat on Saturday.mmmm sleeeeeeep.

anyways i gotta get off my duff and get some stuff done.
this was a really pointless blog....

Fast Car

irony. its a bitch. i go to write a blog about scott (again) and the one song that always reminds me of him came on. which is fast car.
whenever i hear this song, it always takes me back to the memorys of when we 1st started going out.
it was play this was playing the day after our accident while we were driving. and the one day that we bought lazer pointers from the dollar store. we were flat broke and that was all we could afford. i never had a lazer pointer before that and scott bought me one. we played with them in the car while this song played. i miss those days. i sometimes wish i could go back to those days when scott loved me.

anyways. i called him yesterday to talk to him about the cell. dad ran over the family cell. so i need to cancel my phone with scott and connect it with my dad when he gets his new phone.
i told scott that he had 2 days to call me and figure out what he wants, if he even wants to talk. if he doesn't call in the 2 days, then im going to take it as we are over. so he has to Wednesday.
i honestly don't know if he will call or not.
if he doesn't, and i finally call him to give him back a bunch of his stuff, i wonder what he will be pissy. i dunno, its up to him. im no longer going to force him into this relationship if he doesn't want to be in it.


in other new, work new, it was hella busy.
and of course only a pinch full of people are working. one cook and me. the rest are standing around and talking.
bryce that is the so called "the best worker here" (only in her mind) just stood there while i ran back and forth from the kitchen to the packing area making gravy, scrapping cookers, and dumping chicken. then she has the gull to be all "why haven't you made the classics yet?" er because im fucking running around bringing the chicken up and trying to get the cooker ready for the next clamshell to go down. i didnt see you jump up to make them, or better yet get and gravy's made.
she gets a fucking bug up her ass and fucks off into the back. leaving me alon up front trying to pack by myself. which im okay with. least then i dont have to worry about stumbling over her useless ass when im trying to make meals.
like fuck! you wonder why im mad? then fucking do something!!! you whine and bitch when im not helping you out and bending over backwards to help you. yet if i need a lil extra help its like im asking you to chop off you left nipple.

why is it that if i don't do almost everything i:

1. don't get out until midnight
2. get fucking pissy attitudes from the employees
3. and get my ass chewed out for doing nothing by the management

if im not on a dead run each night im useless. and the best is when Hazel tells me that i shouldn't egt a break because she doesn't when she works. well thats because you dont fucking work.

actually im just going to go on a rant about hazel for a bit.
she tells everyone that they cannot stand around and talk yet her and her favorites do that constantly.
she has a shit fit at us for eating the food, yet as shes bitching shes shoving chicken fries and gravy into her face. because thats not the pot calling the kettle black.
she fucking pulls policies out of her ass. its like she has some anal policy reservoir back there. BUT it can only be used to her benefit! ONLY!
like everyone should wear hair nets even ellie (who has a short guy like cut) yes hazel, whos hair is longer then ellies, is above hairnets!
when i dont know something or dont know how to do something she bitches me out and tells em that i should. er okay ill use my mind powers and gather all the info i will ever need from thin air.

she always tells me that i fuck up the cash all the time and that i cant count. yet she couldn't even add up 2 penny's to saver her black soul. 1/2 the time when she works i have to fix her fuck ups because they are messing with my work. i cant get the nights paperwork right hazel if you insist on not doing the procedure right!

but the best yet is when she CONSTANTLY accuses me of stealing. yes hazel, its all me. im the theif. ive been there for 3 years now and have been slowly draining money from KFC to support my crack addict (oh yeah by the way im also a druggy) even though im almost always on time (like 5 min late at the most unless ellie pulls her awesome tricks and changes the schedule without notice. ) and take extra shifts if im not booked to the tits. and in hazels mind when i say im booked to the tits, it means im busy out drinking, doing coke, and having sex on some womens tits. cuz im that kind of girl.

i could go on and on, no really i could. but im hungry and dads home for lunch. so cya later!

cuma cuma Kamelian?

ugh, talk about terrible week.
monday was the christmas party. i got major sick the next day. stomach flu i think.
so i missed math and bio. i am never NOT going to math. if my arm is sawed off and i have SARS i will still go! i missed that one class and i was soooooo horribly confused :S i could have cried.
so because of this i think i may have bombed a test.
and hanna was being a douche. i swear to god that man despises me.




i swear that is how it would go down! i was sick, so that immediately means he gets free range at being a jerk. Asshatzilla coming through RAWR!

k, foreign music is funny! its some Japaneses song and 1/2 through it it switches to English. and all they say is "watch my leg love twitch." i wonder if we make up weird shit like that in our songs.

then scott had to work through his birthday. which pissed me off! i wanted to make him a lemon cake, perhaps dinner, and just have a sweet birthday together. but NOOOOOOOO Brian and Debbie had to send him off to some bloody crap hole in the mountains and have him work there till like 7. so his birthday blew major ass. i felt really bad for him. i got him some nice flannel sheets as a present though! they are dark blue (almost black) and FUZZY! they are really nice! i hope they keep him warm. even though he has the fan on every night....
anyways, i spent the night and he drove me home.

i was grouchy all that day (which was yesterday) so i was snippy to pretty much any poor soul that graced me with there presence. that and i had a killer headache the would no go away ALL day. not that mom and lee were great help. lee made sure that he stimed at level high, as mom whined about everything from the way the air tasted to why toe nails grow.

but then scott came to rescue me! exsept that we had plans to go see a movie. very terribly planned plans. as in, where are we going? dunno. what time? dunno, which show? i am legend. oh! its playing? i dunno.

in the end we got it so that mel, her brother, and his 3 friends, scott, torin, and i were going to see the movie in spruce at 7:35. i wasn't feeling 2 great, and was able to snag some food that i could shove into my face before the show started.

we get in (i was only charged as a youth! ha!) get some snackiez, find a seat and sit down to watch the show!

i had no idea what the movie was about. scott just said that it was really cool looking and that will smith was in it. from what i did see it looked like one of those shows where this guy was the last man on earth blah blah blah.
turns out this is some horror like movie where a thing thats suppose to cure cancer turns people into zombie vampire things.

me and horrors dont go well. like if i was pepper granules sitting in a dish of water, and horrors were a bar of soap, i flee as far away from this as possible.

so im freaked out completely. i crying, putting imprints into scotts arm and trying to crawl into the seat and get away. completely freaked out. and to top it off i felt like throwing up. great movie scene hu?

all scott did was say "i thought you knew" er, if i did, do you think i would go 20 feet near it? i got freaked at WAR OF THE WORLDS! like come on! if that made my skin crawl then this movie made it run a marathon. i tell mel that i wont be able to handle the whole movie, and im going to go. she feels bad and offers to drive me home. shes got 4 guys with her that she has to take care of, so i tell her no.
i lean over to tell scott ive gotta go and that im walking to his house. he says "i don't want you to walk. here, go sit in the car." then hands me his keys. thanks sweetly. your so nice. don't offer to sit in the car with me, or (heaven forbid) drive me home. yeah, Torin was with us, but Scott could have at least figured something out.

like what is it with him?! why cant he think of someone else other then himself?! yeah i understand that you spent 10 bucks and really wanted to see this movie, but im freaking out! how is it that i can bend over backwards to try and help others out and make them comfy, yet one of the few times im honestly not able to handle something i gotta tuff it out?!

why cant he be more caring? why cant he love me? what the fuck am i doing wrong?! i thought he might have change! yet every time i get hope its always stomped out! its like its his fucking hobby! its times like this i honestly think he hates me. why, i dont know but he does. he must if he enjoys seeing me upset.

i just wanna curl up into a ball and listen to my music. just get lost. never return. perhaps thats why people stay in comas. its safe and warm there. no pressure just you.

also. i was just pretty much told that one of my best friends, Amanda, was okay with the fact she might never see me again when she moves to Vancouver. i don't want her to move. ill miss her too much.

i wish i was loved. im going to go blow my nose and go to bed now. good night.

Burn Baby Burn!

ever met one of those people that you wish evolution would have just nipped that gene/generation in the bud? no? not yet hu? well let me introduce you to my mom!
shes a 40 something year old bag-face bitch, who's hobbies are plugging toilet, trying to burn down houses, and all around uselessness! this sexy 175 pound beast is well known for her ability to bond with whales while going swimming in the sea! they think that shes part of their family awwwww!

dear god do i hate her! shes just one of those creatures who you wish woulds have died after child birth. though knowing her she would probably relate to a black widow or praying mantis.

she was gone for the weekend, doggy sitting. it was SOOOOOO nice!
i didn't hear any bitching, we ACTUALLY got some work done! i had this wonderful layer of peace and calm wrapped around me! it was like i was at the cabin! nice happy Ashley!

THEN! the stupid thing had to come home. like a freaking homing pigeon no one wanted!
so now i have the joys of dealing with an over grown pig that make incoherent sound and thinks that i am her personal slave just cuz i spent 9 months in her womb (and during that time i was probably trying to claw my way to freedom) and if she even asked in the region of politeness i would have not minded. but that wouldn't be my mother now would it?

anyways, she came home Monday night. in the 2 days she has been here, she has:

• bitched that she cant shit. (well if you MOVED every once in a blue moon, it may not hurt so much!)
• complained about EVERY part of her body hurting
• played with the thermostat so much i started to think that i was have hot flashes
• clog the toilet not once, not twice, but 4, so like twice a day. her excuse is that "i pooped!" oh aren't we proud of you and ur lil bowl moving skills lets reward you with a cookie!
• complained that i have to eat and that she has to include me in ANY meal she plans.

Oooooh! but that's not the best part! no, no, no! i came home from school today to find an egg being boiled on the stove and my dear mother tucked into bed asleep! oh how fucking cute! a fire hazard ready to happen! how i love surprises!
this goes hand in hand with the over flowing toilet that was left to spill over. again "i pooped!"

so this is whats going to happen: I'm gonna come walking home one day with the house in flames, lee and the pets standing outside, and the firefighters dragging my mom out of the house while IN the bed cuz shes to lazy to crawl out of it to save her own skin!




I'm almost looking forward to work, almost.
and the Alberta government thinks shes not crazy? what smart dip wads!

all i want for Christmas is sanity and a camcorder!

A little to the left.

I feel a little to the left today.
I'm not much of a left person.
it like your always sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else run around and have fun, and when you go to join, there is never any room, or an aura of unwantedness settles in like a fog.
being on left is also kinda cool too. your sitting on the bench and its slightly chilly, but the sun is there to warm your back. if those damn clouds would just stop passing over it though.
when being a little to the left you always seem to have people act weird around you. its like they know your a little off and not quite stable and so they either ignore you, or try to take advantage of you. very unsettling.

being to the left doesn't give you that much of a variety of emotions either, you always feel blah. you only just have different ranges of bleh.

i think one of the reasons i was a little to the left today, it that i kinda noticed i have gone into mother hen mode again. i hate mother hen mode.
i feel as if i have to protect everyone or make it right. one of my friends feels down and alone. it frustrates me, its like I'm blocked from her by this barrier, its made by small strings of web but is very solid. ever time i wanna get to her i slam myself against the wall and the wall absorbs the energy and just budges a little.
it makes me feel so angry. i want to scream and shout, i want to throw things. and i don't think its because i can help her, its because i feel helpless myself. i
enjoy control i thrive on it like a thirsty flower.

i wish it was tomorrow already, and the sunlight was already filtering in through out big bay window in the living room. then i could lean to the right and curl up in it, just soaking it in.
i like sitting in the sun, its so warm and cozy.

i cant wait till I'm level again and perhaps feeling right. the right always looks more comforting. but the grass is always greener on the right side.
I'm sleepy.

i cut myself while washing out my water bottle. i found a turkey baster washing wand that fits inside my mouthpiece. while washing it i slice the middle of my hand open.
i didn't think anything of it at the time and cleaned out the kitty litter. i think its infected now because its so soar. slightly swollen too.

i wish i could buy a pass to galaxy land with a friend. i want to feel like a child again.

Im not your father

so, Ive spent the weekend at Paul and Molly's place. sadly, again, Paul wasn't here, though hopefully hes suppose to be home by 5, so dad and me can visit.

i babysat, k wait, i playtime with the kids yesterday. i don't like babysitting, cuz all i imagine is me sitting on 2 babies suffocating them with me ass.  

any-who, we went to the bizarre at Molly's Church, which was nice but very crowded. the food was very good though and molly was able to bring home lots of sandwiches. the downstairs had tables with lots on sale. lots of haggling, and people wanting me to buy their stuff. i only bought one turtle thing. ain't you proud? except that the same person i bought my turtle from, was bugging me into buying Tupperware and junky knickknack crap. i really dislike that, if i wanted some don't you think i would buy it? and beside most of that junk is just that junk. yesh. 

i then took the kids to the park, we had a grand time, well they did. i just got weird looks from people thinking that the 2 were mine. till they yelled out auntie Ashley.

we then walked home and the girls drew pictures and made up stories about how the king punched the princess in the face. i love those kids. 

Molly came home and we all biked to Bikeworks and got my bike all fixed up!

a really cutie that was there helped me fix my tire. i explained to him that i don't know much about fixing bikes and that times like those were real treats! he kinda looked surprised (probably cuz i was with molly and that girl has bike grease running through her veins, and honey too. bike grease and honey. oh yum!)

anyways he showed me what he was doing to my bike wheel, tighten and loosening the spokes. i of course being the high class lady that i am, i drooled on his shoe. he then put the wheel back on and fixed my brakes so that they were sitting right. i just drooled all over the place some more. 

we left, cuz they were closing down and biked our booty to earths general store.  bought soap, heck for 2 bucks a bar i bought 5! saved me like another 5-6 buck. got Dillon some candy, and a stick of apple pit stick for myself. omg its apple and i could just eat it! its all natural so i probably could. not that i would.....

I'm now listening to the kids play with dolls. supposedly the dolls father really isn't their father! oh the drama!

me and Scott are fighting again. i don't honestly think I'm ready for another one. he probable is wishing that we never did get back together on that rainy day over by the multi culti. i sometimes wonder if it was such a good idea too. perhaps we should have just cut the cord there and went on our merry way. 

yet at the same time, i just want to say I'm sorry, do whatever it is that he wants me to do and curl up into his arms and sleep. i know that I'm finally broken because of this, like an old horse that has been beaten to the edge of death. i just want to sleep. perhaps ill do that tonight. 

the girls just gave me a big hug and a kiss. that was kinda my silver lining.

dead phone, all alone.

ugh, my cell got cut off. me and Scott were super late on paying it i guess. *sigh* oh well. i threw $100 on it so hopefully Scott can pay off his share and we can get it hooked up again. not that it really help since its been acting really weird, it wont hold a charge.

on the good side im going to mollys for the weekend! YAY! no stiming lee, no wacko mom, just normal sane people. whew! the worst of my worries is that molly will get stress (which then she gets snappy/bitchy) or the kids will kill each other or themselves. usually about that time i offer to take care of the kids and let molly go have a break.

i really gotta make up a story for our writing group. i have one floating around in my head, yet i never seem to have time to sit down and type it out. k thats a lie, i have time but with lee stimming and my mom bitching i don't have the mental ability to.
\im gonna go read in bed now, nighty all!

Postsecret: A Lifetime of Secrets

Do you have any Secrets?

Im A Lumber Jack

Mr Barky Von Schnozer is gonna be my first childs name.

Im turning 20 in 2 days. i dunno if im scared or not. and its more that now i cant be young anymore. i dont wanna give up flying kites and making sandcastles. i still wanna be able to go sledding. im scared ill turn into scott and jeff. no lust for life. i like my lusty life!

whats even scarier is that im watching TV and i see those stupid wrinkle cream and i start wondering to myself if i should start now so that when they do start forming i have at least SOME defense. and the thing is i DON'T wanna use wrinkle cream i wanna die slowly gracefully!
eh, whatever. actually the thing that really bugged me was that scott forgot my birthday. that hurt. yet not unexpected. *sigh* nothing old nothing new.

hmm other then that nothing new. again, tons of homework. alas due to school ive only got like 3 pictures doodled up and one LONG story in like stick man comic. its been stuck in my head for like ever and im hoping on being able to get it out. same with another story. oh well

anyways im gonna go have a shower and do some math homework now!

I really wish i could go to the cabin or my birthday. my birthday is one of those events that i wish would just go away.

My Celeb look-alike is Michelle Rodriguez

%1

No more!

K that's it! i don't wanna be female anymore!
i get bitchy for 2 days, then bleed for 5 more days, and have mean cramps for 3.

and that's only because i decided to NOT reproduce!

yet if i do! i get the chance to be sick for 3-forever weeks, loose all self esteem due to a swelling in my belly, be as emotionally stable as a can of paint in a paint shaker/mixer then be in more pain at the end of 9 months as i push something the size (and my luck the weight) of a large watermelon, through something the size of a lemon.

and all men get is the odd morning wood and the ability to pee standing up.

screw this! me and my ovaries are going on strike! after I'm off my rag that is... :S

For Pete's sake!

Okay so I'm gonna keep this sweet and short! i gots me homework!


School has started, right now I'm taking math pure and biology. i have math at the very beginning and Bio at the very end of the day. BIG ol gap in the middle of the day. which Ive come to the conclusion is okay, cuz it gives me time to finish my science. which i usually don't get done the night before, due to the fact i work almost EVERY BLOODY DAY!

so Ive been getting like 6-7 hours of sleep every night if I'm lucky, and constantly on the run. i honestly don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep this up, sooner or later I'm going to burnt out and hit rock bottom. but I'm just going t0 take it one day at the time, when i crash i crash. I'm not going to worry about it till then.

the funniest thing though is that when i get really busy and stressed out i start to eat better. odd hu? i start drinking more water, eating more regular meals, and just around find that what i take in is better then what i usually do when i actually have time to make good meals. that's probably the only reason i haven't dropped dead yet.

as for good news towards my busy life, due to all the work I'm making some good checks, AND i have still been able to do all my homework! and because of the i got, get this, and 88% on my math!!! I'm so freaking happy!! I'm one of the top 6 in my class! i pretty much pranced all the way home when i found that out. all morning i was coughing up rainbows and sunshine i was so happy. now Ive all i got to do is study hard for the science test i have on Friday and do well in that class and Ive got the world by the tail! must do good!

i have been hanging out with my friends a little lately. like Monday I took Amanda to see Superbad. oh god do i love that movie, I'm so buying it when it some to DVD! got 3 pairs of pants that i REALLY needed. i have like 2 pairs of pants. so yeah i broke down and got some. its awesome though cuz i got them all for 60 bucks. which is fairly good for new jeans that are of good quality. by good quality i mean non wal-mart crap.
got to see Kayla and Rachel yesterday by accident. me and dad were taking the dog for a walk and i bumped into the and we all went to my place for chats and pepper shakers. Kayla was amazed by our pepper shaker. they didn't leave till 12, which was a bad idea cuz I'm crazy tired today. pa

we did a brain lab today, i got the pleasure of manhandling a sheep's brain. the fact i was handling a sheep's brain or that i was singing lamb chops play along in my head the whole time, it was the smell. OMG the stuff they use to keep it preserved smells like death. which is ironic due to the fact that the brain is also dead. quite uncool.

speaking about my dog! damn thing when and ran away from us. i hopped onto my bike and started whistling and calling out to him as i biked up and down the blocks around my place. had this lil whore cat follow me for a while too. he/she wouldn't leave me alone. every time i called out Titus it would be all "ill be whoever you want me to be baby! PET ME!!!!"
I got discouraged and went into the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. dad didn't care, he was all "well good, now i don't have to deal with him and his stupid fir." then proceeded to bitch about how horrible Titus was. finally i made up 2 poster and put them on the mail box and newspaper box.
then about 1/2 an hour later the little shit was at the door! mom went to go outside to have a smoke and there he is waiting to come in.
he comes inside drinks some water, eats some food, and jumps onto dads bed and goes to sleep. I'm in this mixed emotional state. i wanna kill the little shit for making me so worried, but at the same time i wanted to cry and smother him with love and make him promise to never leave again. dad was like "oh look Titus is home!" and started to pet him. i wanted to drag Titus away from him cuz he didn't even care before that Titus was gone. still erks me.

also during that time i discovered something about myself. lately whenever i get really stressed i go out to my garage and go smoke some weed. it was okay cuz i found that nothing would bother me. mom could be yelling at me and be doing stuff that usually threw me into a rage, but when i was high i could just shrug it off. and as you read up above Ive been under a bunch of stress trying to juggle me, school, work, and my social life. so for a while i was doing quite a bit.

so when Titus went missing i was a wreak. i was going to go and gate high and not care about it, but then i stopped and though to myself, no i wanna not care about my dog. that's when i kinda when i noticed that i was doing a lot of pit and was using it as a escape from life. i hate that, i cant stand having something other then me controlling me. so to make a long story short i haven't done any in a long time. and I'm not planning on doing any for a bit. and if i do decide to do it again it wont be to escape anything.

Ive been kinda nervous about riding my bike lately. with all these horrible cyclist killings going on in the news, it just doesn't feel safe anymore. everyone is saying that cyclists should go onto the sidewalks, but there isn't always room, and if people would just pay attention to where they are driving/biking we would all be safer. like honestly, a cyclist is just a smaller car with a whole lot of less metal and toxic fumes. unless they ate chill. why is it that people are unable to give them the same respect as they do with those in cars. sheesh, i don't understand people these days. oh well.

me and Scott are done again. we were trying to figure things again, and i hoped this would be different and even though it wasn't really i kept holding out for it. but yeah. it was the same as always, he always would put john and others before us, and that what he figure was good me and him time was a screw and rolling over to go to sleep.
if anything i just wished that for once he would be the one to step up and be the 1st one to take the 1st step. but he never will. and I'm tired of being the one to do that.
heh, actually a bit back i was thinking about me and him, and i imagined him going off with someone or screwing the brains of some chick. and honestly it didn't bother me, unlike before it would have tore me apart. i guess that tiny spot in my heart for him has finally vacated and is now up for rent. i dunno. i want my bloody jem though, i wanna see what happens next lol! perhaps i can pick it up Sunday. or if I'm lucky Saturday.

wow, this wasn't that short or sweet. hmm i better go do some homework. well cya guys!

Im Lost

I lost my puppy. i wish he would come home. i feel like like crap. i miss titus.

About 5

So about 5 min ago i was super pissed. like I'm gonna turn fucking green and start kick babies pissed.
but then i stopped, took a big breath, counted to 10, then grabbed my pipe, what little weed i had and went into the garage to light up. i haven't done that in over a year. the last time i did that was at a friends birthday party.

so yeah, i was killer mad, now, I'm chillin. why i was pissed was because that i finally got a day off. Scott and me planned out a date (well Scott more so then me) we hadn't gone on a real date since we 1st started going out. i looked forward to this all week! like i was crapping rainbow when i woke up this morning. i even looked forward to that all day.

so I'm sitting there crapping out more rainbows (I've now got a collection and selling them to the lucky charms guy so they can put it in cereal) when my mom in all her glory pranced into the living room (okay more like greased herself up, smashed through the door frame, and put us at a level 2 on the rector scale) and demanded to know if i was going out tonight.
i of course told her yes.

she gets pissy and tells me i have to clean up the living room, lees room, and the bathroom, before i go.
well considering world war 2 has fucking nothing on lees room i know right there i wasn't getting out till 12. i bitched back and said that i already had plans and that i told dad about it days before.
she got all fucking pissy. so i texted Scott and told him that i couldn't go.

so i am/was really upset about that. like crying. that was about time i said screw this. and went to the garage.

and yeah, here i am right now. Scott's getting mad at me. bitching at me for being pissy. but i guess he figures i planned it out that way or something. i dunno, i don't understand him at all. Scott is to me that all women kind are to a normal man.
you want them around you but you have no freaking clue how they tick.

but whatever. i don't care. I'm typing, listening to sweet music. even though i have no clue who its is, meh.

wonder when dads bringing home supper. again moms to lazy to even whip out her instant food skills, i swear if my mom could find a ripcord meal that she would have to make only one movement to prepare she would

anyways
back to the supper thing. I'm getting the munches.
crap its getting hard to type. I'm going now. robot chicken.

Rushin Around

I have done NO artwork as of late!

Ive just been so busy between my tiny social life, Ellie having no staff, and prep for school, i haven't even glanced at it. then again our family is need family. when we need it or it really needs to be done we will finally put effort into it.

in other news i have ticked my mom off for eating her steak. its pay back for eating my steak. i am eating it in front of her smothering it in mustard and just plain enjoying it <3>

the dog is now pissed at me for not sharing the steak. my steak.

I visited a friend on Tuesday and saw her new place. you can see Grant MacEwan outside her window. and she has a room to herself! a big room to herself! so at this point im pretty jealous. but shes happy so im happy.

er other then that the only other big news is i cant find 1/2 my Sims 2 games for the computer. i have the keys for them but not the games. and the games i do have i don't have the keys for. very frustrating. mostly cuz that like 30 bucks a shot out the window. la sigh.

i think im gonna go read now. ta ta!

Strawberry Hill.

I forgot how much i love the cabin and why i never want to leave that place ever again. and i wanna live in Athabaska's!

our cabin is built on this hill, its fairly steep and is a pretty good trek to get to the top. is also has a lil area to the side with a fire ring. 1/2 way down the opposite side of the fire ring is an outhouse.

but the whole hill was covered with strawberry plants, clovers, different kinds of colorful mushrooms and wild flowers. it was so pretty, it honestly looked like something out of my cheesy romance books. and because it was getting close to fall, it was this wonderful mesh of red, pink, orange and green ground cover. i sooooooo didn't want to leave!

we went for a hike, and the whole time i was collecting these mushrooms that looked so cool! and they were huge! like they averaged at the size of your hand. it was really neat. sadly dad wouldn't let me keep the mushrooms to bring home. lol i really should find some books on wild mushrooms, plants, and animals of Alberta. maybe one of insects.

then we went for a quad ride. i haven't driven one in years (3years), so i was VERY rusty.
anyways Andy, family friend and owns the cabin beside ours, said he wanted to go cut down a few trees that were laying across most of the paths. me and my dad are thinking,"sure we can help you bring some back for firewood." and we were thinking like arm/leg size trees. so we hitch this 1/2 rotted falling apart trailer that looks like it was use by Jesus.
dad tells Andy to take it easy that im getting my quading legs again. Andy says okay ill take the easy way.

and at 1st it was easy till, then i remembered, Andy's crazy. so as im bouncing along fighting my machine in the mud, scooting past complete drop offs, taking tight turns, and getting caught in knotting roots that try to pull you every which way, we get to a tree. its kinda bigger then what we expect but we cut it (crazy Andy with a chainsaw) we load it into the Rhino dads using. we go up a tiny bit and see this Huge black poplar and Andy beams to us "if i cut the bottom off 1st it wont slingshot the saw when we finally get there!" and begins to saw off hunks of this tree. its muddy and im lifting hunks of tree that are as round as me (if not as heavy) and tossing them onto this trailer that has been slowly falling apart and i have had to stop and pick up the pieces on the way to the tree. we load up all the logs and head off.

Andy gets to this one part of the path that looks like it was chewed to shit by a pissed off guy with a tractor (Andy) and Andy tries to go through. gets stuck. we finally convince Andy that he has to ditch some logs and winch himself out. he insists on not leaving them, nope we must throw them back on again! so about 2 hours later, and 3 more time of Andy getting stuck we are finally on falter land. and as im riding behind Andy im watching logs bounce and threaten to roll off.

yeah because of Andys lil adventure i showered out god knows how many seeds, 3 leaves, a stick and god know what kind of plant out of my hair.

that was part of my weekend. oh! i did pet cute lil baby mice! they were so sweet! it felt like more of a holiday then folkfest and Frag put together.

as for artwork i am planning on putting some up soon.

bye bye!

Vista = devil

I really have nothing to say other then, VISTA MUST DIE!
why on this good earth would they make a program to purposely piss you off?! i had Internet explorer running and i was looking at multiple websites! (like DA blogger twitter my email) And out of the blue this thing pops up saying "windows is gay and explorer is shutting down because it supposedly stopped working for no good reason" then this bar came up in another window, which i swear said "fuck you and die windows user" then it shut everything down and restarted explorer. everything i was doing gone. all my emails, journal entries, other important things, all gone.

so to really get to the point, instead of having a journal filled with love and happy notes about folk fest i shall now whine about vista. just like the other 80% of vista users. the other 20% have already committed suicide because of vista and really having nothing more to say. well except a short note about how vista ruined their lives.


ANYWAY, my dad wants me to get going to we can get everything ready for fold fest. so i better get going.

Ill be gone for about 4 days listening to groovy music and more then likely being rained on. i will bring back colds and pointless hippy gifts for everyone! specially for you Amanda!
but hopefully when i do come back my computer will be fixed (yes its broken again and Scott had to take it away to fix it) so then i can load a few of the random shit have been piling up for a bit. like all the outfit designs, my "everything is cuter with wings" and other random junk that will all probably end up in scrap. horra!

crap. i guess i really gotta go now. well see ya all on Sunday night! <3

I see butterflies.

The pain inside spreads through me and expands like the wings of a bird. i wanna cry.

I bought some new art supplies today.

And now for phase 2!

Okay, passed the crying phase now. onto the pissed!
okay so it might be the spiked smoothies ive been chugging down since, oh i dunno, 12 and considering its now 2 thats alota smoothie! I dont care! im a drunk chick with a keyboard! FEAR ME!!!

or at least be weary!

Who the hell does he think he is to try and get this idea that he can pretend that im special to him then tells me he would date my best bud in a heart beat?! im am soooo worth more then that! yeah i may not be a size double zero, and i may not be no head turner, but fuck! i know im not freaking ugly! ive been sized up and hit on at the bar tons of times. i got even hit on by a freaking LESBIAN! fuck if you can turn on both sexes you must being doing right in my book!

so fuck him! he wants a fucking sex buddy that he can have come to him at his beck and call he better start looking in the god damn fucking pound! cuz thats the only bitch that will be in his bed for a loooong time!

should fucking plastic wrap a dildo and gay midget porn to his fucking car!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

strawberry seed and vodka are gods way of giving you the thumbs up for revenge!
but i will be a good citizen and force my dad to help me get my drunkin ass onto the top bunk on the bunk beds.

and if you think im pissed when someone does something to piss me off when im drunk, you should see me when im pissed at someone for hurting a friend.

AMANDA! if anyone hurts you, give me vodka and a shot glass. their ass will be MINE! cuz i wuv you!
in the most non homo way possible. but if i was a homo... growl!

Same goes for you molly and paul! I R MIGHTY!!

im also luving when im drunk to. i feel sick :S

FUCK DA WORLD! i cant feel my teeth....

Ghost of A Stranger

I did something stupid again today. i don't really wanna talk about it. i wanna ball in up into this huge mass and bury it somewhere just because I'm sick of crying (like i am right now)
or pour it out of me in one huge flash.

i wanna put it onto paper, but it seems that no matter how hard i try i cant. nothing i make can express what i feel. i hate this feeling. i hate being filled with some emotion to the point where i wanna explode, and have no way of releasing it.

I'm angry, sad, relieved, and empty.
i wanna be distinctive and throw thing, smash cups, rip papers, yell, scream, cry, show everyone how much pain I'm in. but at the same time i know that's not very constructive. i know it will only make other people angry or sad.

i haven't felt this helpless since grade 7 when i tried to hang myself. i don't want to die though. cuz i know that this will pass. i just wish i could go into a deep sleep until it passes. i wanna curl up into a ball.

my heart feels like its been shattered again. even though it still has the bandages from the last attack. maybe I'm a sucker for pain.
perhaps i can find my canvas and paint something. i find paint is a lot more releasing then markers or a computer.

I guess i should dump whats wrong with me here. its suppose to be a journal.

me and Scott have been hanging out a lil as of late. not a whole bunch, just him coming over to fix the computer. well yesterday we were suppose to go see a movie, i kinda wanted to use that as a judge as to whats going on in our relationship. cuz when i do talk to him and have been around him hes been really sweet and acting like he does actually want to be in some kind of relationship with me that might have some kind of actual meaning to it.
well in the end it ended up being Scott, Mel, my dad, and me all going. 2 more people wanted to go but there wasn't enough room.

Mel had come over before hand to say hi and pick up her hair straightener. while here Mel, me, and Scott were talking. well i noticed that when Mel was here he ignored me and payed almost all his attention to Mel. which was okay i guess. so i asked him afterwards if he still liked her he said yes and i suggested that he just take Mel out on the date. he just blushed and said she would never want to go out with him. not that he didn't want to but he figured she wouldn't.

then Scott and our family went out for supper, Scott needed to shower, and lee wanted to rent a movie so we did all that then Scott went and picked up Mel again. again i opened up the discussion as to his feeling with Mel, but Mel hopped into the car before we could really get anywhere with it. picked up my dad and went to the movie (which was the new harry potter by the way)

after the movie we dropped my dad off and i grabbed Mel a movie i was going to borrow her. when i hopped back into the car Scott is getting Mels new cell #. and we dropped her off. finally i was able to talk to him about all this and this is pretty much what i got out of it.
he would be more then happy to go out with Mel. he figured that he needed her cell # so that if he ever does get the balls to do anything he can at least call her. his only draw back is that he figures Mel would be uncomfortable with it. which she would if he was trying to take her out on a date. but i told him if he started out as friends over coffee it might work out.
So he still has eyes on her.
I told him i couldn't do what we have been if he is thinking about Mel. it isn't honestly fair to Mel if he does try to get together with her and it isn't fair to me. I told him i would talk to him later some time. he said maybe tonight i told him no. i hope he got the message.

i want to be with someone that wants me, and only me. i kinda came up with my idea of a perfect boyfriend.

he will:
be polite like Jeff, opening doors for you and such.
sweet like Scott, listening to you when you have a problem.
fun like john, always got some kind of thing to show you.
funny like Dillon, making your sides hurt.
strong like my dad.
he has to be able to take control some times.
likes to snuggle. other then to get sex.
wants to try different things, and go different places.
will enjoy going on dates that consist more then just movies.

i know, a fantasy guy but that's what i wish i could have.
perhaps ill just find some shack and go buy 30 cats. and 2 dogs. least they wont demand that much from me.

i feel so tired. i wish i didn't have to be the reliable one all the time.

gotta go downstairs and help me parents clean the basement. bye


Jem




She looks kinda how i feel.
i did that in MS paint yesterday cuz i didn't feel like loading Photoshop. i forgot the earing at 1st and had to go back and put it in. i kinda looks like crap cuz i did it really fast. oooooh well!

Soul Suxtion

I was so happy yesterday! i got to hang out with one of my awesome friends. we had a blast! and i swore i was walking on sunshine!
we went to west ed, got some food, (oh dear god did i gorge! it was awesome!) then went and got our tickets for the Simpson's movie, (which was really good!) and then headed over to the porn shop. we bought that pirates movie, the really cheesy one that makes you laugh too hard to even be remotely turned on, and the lady i really like was working. she has one of those cool auras around that instantly makes you feel at ease with her. and shes got an amazing smile. I've started to notice peoples smiles. its true you truly are the prettiest when you smile.
anyways so, my friend nabbed pirates, and the lady told us if we spend over $100 we get free porn, so i grabbed a toy and condoms. never know when you need condoms. like in condom wars! sorry, inside joke. i really got to post a video of that on youtube. then again, do i really want mass humiliation? yes....
again off topic, we got our free porn, (selection was crap, like 40 plusXXX and Anal fiesta!) find some teen thing. we honestly just bought it cuz we liked the chicks outfits. we are dork.

watched the movie, laughed super hard! spider pig! sadly, as usual, i had to go to the washroom 1/2 way through. damn pop! why must you torment me so?! then after we headed home. i had 45 min to get to work, but we hit rush hour! oh how i hate you! so i got to work at like 5 on the dot. then it went down hill....

KFC is like some evil happiness eating monster, you know, the ones that you feared when you were young that lived under your bed. and every night you had to face it, even though you told society that you don't wanna and that you hate it! every time i got there i try to keep a good optimistic outlook, yet by an hour in i wanna curl up into a ball and cry, is it right to despise your job? yeah the pay is good but i hate it with a vengeance! wanna burn it down and piss on the ashes!
and its not even just the people i work with, because most of the people there are super cool. its just the place makes people become evil and intolerable. which makes me sad.

i feel like my friend some days (usually after a day of work at KFC), i wanna move into Edmonton and find a job there, maybe work in a porn shop, its honestly one of my dream jobs. don't know why but i like the idea of being in a small store where i can be involved with people one on one where you cannot really be prejudice about any of that.
heck I'm not one for living large i really only like have a handful of things, my computer and the Internet. i don't really like TV and I'm not too picky when it comes to food, or living arrangements. if i find a job that can help me pay for rent, lil bit of school, and food, I'm happy.

I sometimes feel like just running away from it all. my family, job, and everything. start fresh, and create a new life from scratch. sadly its not that easy.

anyways i gotta go to the washroom. and its getting late.
night all!

R is for ROCK!


SO ROCK ON!

Big money!

I am worth $2,013,840 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Gah!~

i was going to write an amazing journal! it would have an awesome plot, with action and adventure! maybe some sex scenes too. then at the end there would be fireworks and dancing penguins with spinning dishes.
in the end i came up with a paper clip and this empty pack of gum. mmm gum

im slowly declining from a sugar rush that started at 9:30. everyone bought me huge slushes at work to day. those and the 3 ice capps gave me this huge sugar rush and i was running around the store using the tongs like a crab, snapping at people with them.

im still freaking vibrating! i need to run around some more to get rid of all this energy! it feels

like my old pic here:

my brains like: WHOOOOW! F!@#KIN EH!!!!
and my bodies: Pull the hell over im gonna be sick!
then they have a huge mud fight and my brain leaves my body. and takes the kids with him. which my bodies okay with because with all the extra time he has now, he has mastered the art of turning water into wine. so now my body is drunk and rich, the end.

god i need to sleep!

some people were burning stuff across the road from work, but from the angle we were at it looked like the bush was on fire. so every time i passed by the window i would yell out "OMG its god! hes come back with a new set of 10 commandments!" after the 5th time Teri started throwing shit at me.

im trying to stare down a fly. im winning, it keeps twitching.

k. im gonna go make my bed up with my new sheets. they are purple with ribbons and are freaking awesome! then im gonna strap myself in bed.

good night my people!

Go Away Lee :Angry Rant:

for those of you who need a laugh:

center-for-rational-debate

in other news, my lack of sleep has finally caught up with me. Thank you lee and family for ensuring that i never get any fucking sleep cuz you fucktards like to get up at 5 and sleep all day, then stay up will fucking one. or better yet get up in the middle of the night and make as much noise as possible. FUCK!

im grumpier then shit, i just wanna do my homework and sleep. but again, lee wont leave me the fuck alone, mom gets pissy when i don't give her 100% of my attention. its like taking care of 2 spoiled 2 year olds!

and she tried to pee on me again! freaking 2wice now! i get up in the middle of the night to go pee (or in the morning, same diff.) and while im peeing, she just fucking walks in and is pulling down her god damn pants. im like "get out! wait till im freaking done!" "but i have to pee" my mom says and has a fucking fit and calls me a cunt and bitch.
today was better though, cuz she knocked before she kicked in the door.

this is me going pee so you should see when i have a shower, the whole flipping household is in the room! i can even get dressed without SOMEONE walking in.

I want some fucking privacy! I want my own room so i don't have to wake up to fucking superman! i don't have to fucking trip over superman books/dolls/movies/fucking other shit! i don't get woken up by fucking tree house after only 5 1/2 house of sleep, cuz SOMEONE had to watch more fucking tree house and superman.
best part is that even though lee has taken over the fucking room and has his own goddamn computer he still takes over the living room. leaving me with the fucking entry way as my space!
i wanna throw shit and scream. how the fuck is this fair?! why is it always me that get the fucking shit end of the stick?! i go to work, barely eat anything, don't whine to much, and is going to school on top of work. yet my fucking mom, the lazy bitch does nothing but eat shit food and sleep, and bitch. and she gets everything she ever fucking wanted!

FUCK! and i have to go wash work clothes! GRRRR!!! fuck Ellie! fuck this house! fuck this whole fucking situation! and fuck Scott and his fuck buddy BS! im going to go do homework!

Anal Denver Anyone?

If you havent read Denver Anyone? please read it 1st, its pretty quick and sweet so it wont take long!
Denver Anyone?

so heres the story behind the Denver song. this is a different Scott from my ex Scott.
I go to the bar with a couple of friends last night. both are already tanked. one is a guy and being a super perv. we are sitting there waiting for our drinks when this fight starts up behind us. about 4 tiny female waitresses come flying past us to break it up. one girl jumps over the table to get to it. all while this is going on our so called "bouncer" (who looks to be 60, fat and who would have troubles bench pressing a q-tip) is slowly walking up to the 2 guys fighting. useless really.
but then one of the greatest peace making songs blasted from the DJ, Sweet Home Alabama! Everyone knows at least the chorus! everyone but Kayla and Scott. so while every one is sing "sweet home alabama!" Kayla is singing "my ass is a Denver" and Instead of "where the skies are so blue!" Scott's saying "my parents are coming after you!" lord im coming home to you was replaced with "lord i need a screw" between all this is drunkin air guitar. i of course am trying to regain the tiny bit of pride i have left by moving one table over.

pretty much to wrap up my night, i told Scott if he touched me one more time id dislocate his shoulder, some random guy fell into my boobs, and we met up with a bunch of drunk natives and were told they were drinking crack.

ive gotten like 99% of my crap from scotts. dear lord did i ever have a bunch of shirt there! scott also promised to make me a new cd of photoshop. so never fear Amanda!

still very sleepy

gotta go make dinner now cya!

My cock can walk right through the door.

Ashley enters the classroom. class commences, and we are assigned work. boy in front of Ashley asks for help. his name is broody.

Broody: Hey did you get this question?
Ashley: which one?
B: Uh question 11.
A: let me check. yeah i think so.
B: oh can you help me?
A: sure, let me see your paper.
Broody hands Ashley his paper. Ashley reads it.
A: Er, Whats that?
B: uh, I think its an 8.
A: okay.... Well the equation is 5(3x+1)+2(2x-1)=20x. so 1st you do the distrubution.
B: okay.
A: okay you did that, and it looks good, but why are you trying to take 20x and move it to the other side?
B: isnt that what we are suppose to do? you know make sure all the Xs are on one side?
A: yes but if you move the 20x to the other side of the equation then it will screw up and you will have no x to solve for. you need something there.
B: oh.
A: Okay so we minus the 15x an-
B: but why cant we minus the 20x? wouldnt it be easier.
A: but then you wouldn't be able to solve for x.
B: oh yeah.
A: okay? so whats 20x minus 15X?
B: Shouldn't we be moving 20x?
Ashley's getting Angry
A: Broody! if you move the 20x what will be left on that side?
B: uh, nothing. wait thats not right, we have to move the 15x.
A: YES! okay now yo-

Teacher- times up! time to mark.

moral of the story: never help someone that has just mastered wiping his own ass with math otherwise you cant finish yours, and be filled with homework.

only took me 2 and 1/2 hour to do all the homework he assigned.
The fractions mock me!!!
i have to go to work now. but i get tomorrow off! A__A glee!

Touch Myself



A picture i quickly drew to see if my scanner was working. true story too. happened at work.
I sang into a drum stick to tell my friend how smexy she is! then grabbed my gonads.

Forget About It

OMG! I need new markers now! i sooooooo wanna draw some cool stuff on my glossy paper. everything just seems more alive and kickass! ive got 2 ideas in my head that have been trying to break free from my skull! i adore that feeling!

I should have made Amanda go with me into staples and get some markers and perhaps some watercolors and paintbrushes (cuz my current ones sux) but alas i forgot ^^; yeah...

i have been kinda putting it off for some time now, due to the fact i wanna get something that will be good and wont be dead straight from the package (damn you wally mart!)
Ill probably go and pick some up on wed. when i go into spruce for my doctors appointment, and see scott about trading stuff.
im kinda nervous about that, cuz honestly, i have no clue how its going to go. im kinda scared that he will be a jerk to me, i know its not likely, but its still there. i dunno when i think about how this may act out a bunch of scenarios flash behind my eyes and i start to tense up. i feel pricks behind my eyes and my throat feels like its closing up, i despise that feeling. i really hope that we can at least be friends. i dont want to give up 5 years of my life towards him just so that it can be thrown away.

ill be biking to spruce anyways so if it does go wrong i can just hop on my bike and take off.

and the power went out yesterday at work, thankfully it was after we were closed. but i wasn't able to print off 1/2 the stuff i needed to finish my close. Ellie and the other morning are probably super pissed at me and are gonna raise holly shit when i get there tomorrow. which honestly i really don't need. but i wasn't going to freaking wait around till the power came back on! i was already there for 15 min waiting. god i hate that job.

moms all drugged up again. god i hate her when shes like this. 1 min shes all "i love you Ashley!" then trying to tear my eyes out. then she cant figure out why i get mad at her when she tries to be nice to me again.

gotta deposit my income tax cheque too. scott hasn't text me back yet about when i should come over on wed.

im so tired now. i just wanna sleep. dear god im a drama queen.

Tacos?

This Will Turn Your Crank Hank.

wow. i havent seen such stupid people in a long time! i have to take math prep cuz i dont remember any of this stuff from grade 9! well there are some girls in there that are pushing up daisies cuz their brains dead. 1st day i got in one turns to the other and whines that my yellow shirts too white. then the rest of the class, they stare at me. kinda creepy.
next day the teachers telling us about success and self confidence. he asked the class how you spell success, and when to the board and wrote "WORK" on it. this one girl was all confused and kept saying that thats not how you spell success. the teacher exsplained to her you need to work to get success and she kept saying " but thats not how you spell success!" then he make a joke saying the only time he has ever been wrong was when he thought he was wrong. well the class laughed, then 10 min later the girl starts laughing her ass off. she finally figured out the joke. she will go far!

im feeling alot better, i figured out why i was all whiney and emotional. i got my er, unwanted friend. so in other word im all emotionally stable, and bleeding for 5 days and not dieing.

i have also lost 5 pounds! it actually shows too! i look a lil slimmer. so ive come to the conclusion, scott made me fat lol! im hoping on loosing more. ive been eatting better, laying off the crap food and going for a walk OR bike ride least once a day other then my commute to work. need to go swinging to get rid of my belly too.
ive always thought flab was fab, but i find i feel healthier with the few extra pounds off. probably cuz im actually being more healthy. horra!

all i need to do now is get more sleep. i get like a max of 7 hours if im lucky. i have to get into bed by at least 11:30 to get 7 hours. and thats like hit the pillow and not wake up till 7 on the dot. yeah fat chance. but tomorrow i get to sleep in! but i think i might try and go to bed earlier and get up around the same time anyway, just cuz then i keep my sleep patterns inline. im no longer a complete zombie when i get up. :D which is helpful.

I wanna make a shirt that says Fuck Me Color Blind. i love the idea! i wanna make my own shirts that say stuff i think is fun. not stupid stuff like "princess!" more like a shirt that has a face on picture of a chicken on the front that says "guess what!" then on the back it shows the chickens but and says "Chicken Butt" perhaps its cuz im bursting with creative (destructive?) energy!

i wanna make people gasp for some reason, i want people to be surprised or curious! when we were on our way to the Canada day party i wanted to change my shirt (cuz i bought a new one!) right in front of a family with kids just so i could laugh at them and their shocked look. i dont know why but i did.

another thing ive noticed, that whenever im stressed i just wanna ride my bike! it makes me feel free! like i can go anywhere and escape! im not really one for just abandoning my duties, but there are days i wonder if i should just move to a city that is really populated and hide for a bit. i sometimes dream of it. just packing my stuff into a backpack, hoping onto my bike and hitting the road. leave everything behind and start fresh, where no one knows me and can meet the real me not this person who has live a so called "hard life" and who has no past. id miss my dad though, and lee. mom well.... *cough*

anyways im gonna go outside and play! cya around!


Like Whow!




thats just how it is!

Leaving

i feel blah. probably cuz im watching mickey mouse club house. its not by choice. but by force. they just had a party because mickey and his friends figured out how to zip a zipper. yeah, i know, mind numbing.

ive been kinda blah i think because im giving up my whole summer to school and work. as of July 2nd i will wake up at 7:30, go to school from 8-12, work 4 or 5 to 10 or 11. then go to sleep pretty much. i get maybe 3 or 4 hours to myself. and knowing Ellie she will expect me to just work every freaking day of the week. so there goes my social life and any me time ive ever had.

even MapleStory doesn't even hold the same appeal. it takes forever to level up, people are really rude, and it feels really redundant. and my weapon suck. its the American flag that i whack my enemy with. how fearful do i look? "grrrr stay away or ill wave my flag. and if you really piss me off ill put it at 1/2 mass! yeah thats right run!"
and even better, u have stupid people that have just started and they want those that are higher up then them to give them stuff. its dumb, just go do it yourself! lazy fart. or even better when they whine because you go kill something that they wanted to go kill. oh muffin, let me go get you a huge pillow so you can smother yourself and your sorrows away. dumb person.
now i remember why i hate those type of games....

other then that nothing new. well i did break up with scott. meh its not as bad as i figured. i just want my movies back! lol. and there are some things we have to figure out, like frag, and my cellphone bill. ill have to talk to him eventually. but until then im good just staying away. spending alot more time with my dad, which makes me happy. i forgot how much i enjoy going for bike rides with him. only problem is that his inner tube in dads front tire is shot, so we need to go out and get a new one. oh well :)


Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells out window, B I T C H! Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought for the Day: If only men would listen.

Who Am I?

K philosophical time!
honestly who am i? yeah i know my name, Ashley Hinecker, but that's just a sound that a mouth makes, or a group of symbols put together. Who am i really?!
Am i some snob, or am i just another looser. what makes me different from you? are we connected? Some say that we are all connected on a separate plain where our minds mesh with each other, and have the ability to transfer thoughts to one another. but if that's so, how do i know what I'm thinking is not your own thoughts? perhaps that little voice inside your mind that tells you to flee or to stay isn't really an instinct but a dark whisper from the person near you.
so if we are joined on a different plain and are able to connect to each other then why are we not all friends, why do i not know you? this stranger that has entered my life.
again though someone said that even if i picked out someone in the middle of china that
i have never met i will know them indirectly through 7 different people. i live in Canada, say you live in New Zealand, You have an aunt who is married into the family, she was originally from England, she had a close friend that likes to travel to the US and visit her grandchildren that live there. one of the grandchildren works at a appliance store. the manager there is fairly well off and has many summer homes. one is in Arizona, and one is in new york. the house he owns in Arizona is rented out to a sweet elderly lady that come down there during the winter months in Canada. the elderly Lady's main house is just on the outskirts of Edmonton. while the elderly lady is away she has her daughter clean her house. the daughter is also a teacher at high school in a small town. that teacher taught me cosmetology and helped me graduate.
i was off by one person but you see how it works. it took me only 6 people to be connected to you. we are fairly close, yet millions of miles away. will i ever meet you? probably not. will we ever have a chat? not likely. will you have made any kind of effect in my life. yes. it may be dramatic or it could be subtle. but you will effect me. its as simple as not showing up for the lunchur aunt had invited you too. causing her to wonder if her friends grandchildren were ever like that, then she may ask her, causing her friend to remember that the grandchild's birthday is coming up and will send her a gift. the child will get a gift and tell the people at work about it. the manager will remember that the elderly lady that rents his house is getting on in year and will probably send her a letter asking if she will be coming down again this summer to spend the time there. the elderly lady will receive the letter tell her daughter about it and perhaps the daughter might become distraught about her mother flying again and will perhaps go on a bike ride and may bump into me while i too was biking. then perhaps we will have a short chat or go out for coffee. but if it want for you not going to the lunch i would have never bumped into my old teacher.

I am a human. i have a wild range of emotions that i can skilfully use when the situation has a need for the, i can become compassionate, jealous, pitiful, happy, or vengeful. all these emotions are used when i need them but there are times where they explode from me like a firecracker. i am stuck wondering why. i will be joyful because of a sunny day yet i will burst into tears because of it. is this a mental melt down? is it because i am going crazy? i don't know. I have heard that when a person has a mental melt down like that it is because they are changing they way they think and who they are. which does make some sense to me. whenever i have gone to an extreme emotion it has always been because of some sort of change in my life. the day i decided that i no longer wanted to "fit in" and tried to explain that to my friends was a very troublesome day for me. i tired to commit suicide again. i thankfully survived and decided after that, that i valued my life too much to throw it away for morals and ideas that others had.

now if i had that much compassion in me to love myself that much, why do i not have that much compassion to love someone else. but that's the thing i do! i may not ever know you, i may not ever meet you, but i want you to know this that i do love you. i know it sounds cheesy but i do. i will feel sorrow for you if you are in pain or pass on. this is my world too, and i love all those in it. and i do feel for those that have nothing. i may be one person, but i hope that i can at least make some change. even if its a tiny one. then i have at least done something in my life worth wile.

I gotta leave for work soon so ill leave you with a video and a joke. enjoy!


Praying to God
A man was praying to god. He said, ' God ?' God responded, ' Yes ?' And the Guy said, ' Can I ask a question ?' 'Go right ahead', God said. 'God, what is a million years to you?' God said, 'A million years to me is only a second.' The man wondered. Then he asked, 'God, what is a million dollars worth to you?' God said, 'A million dollars to me is a penny.' So the man said, ' God can I have a penny ?' And God cheerfully said, ' Sure!.......Just A Second

make sure wear flowers in ur hair

I gave Ellie that days i wanted off yesterday, when i dropped off a computer chair. she didn't even say anything to me, i just ran the computer chair into the office, put the other crappy chair into the back, ran back into the office and wrote my note then left. shes probably pissed and gonna bitch at me for taking so many days off. ill probably just ignore her and be all "yeah, uh-hu put down some strips for me please!"

actually i only have one cook in today (we need 2 for it to run smoothly) and she will probably have a fit and bitch that she is soooo short staffed! then ill explain to her that Ive been running on little to no staff for the last 3 days and that none of the day managers are willing to find me some! stooooooopid hazel!

then there is Melanie, the girl to back stabbed me. her birthday i got her a pig picture (cuz for some reason she likes pigs) and was going to give it to her but now i don't know if i really want to. i don't want to cuz shes evil, but at the same time what the hell am i suppose to do with a stupid pig picture. kinda useless really. i think ill just give it to her then be like yeah, go away.

ANYWAY i also gots a new Mp3 player! its really cool looking! its super thin! like 12 millimeters thin! and its a nice shade of red. i would have liked to get the green one, but the red one was on sale. hence the reason why i got it. i also bought a new movie that i love. happily never after. SOOOOOO funny! love it!

went to Staples and got a new chair. spent like $124-130 with tax on it but its super comfy and it has a springy back. so it should last me for a long time! then we went to the bookstore. bought like 3 books and was going to buy more but i kept yelling out take me away before i buy more books! so we left.

right now I'm just trying to get my Mp3 player downloaded and trying to add, music! but the stupid thing imported in EVERYTHING like music and sound clips from games. :S so i have to weed out the actual music from the sound clips.

i was also able to upgrade it by adding new colors to my screen! yay!

anyways I'm gonna head off to work now. ill ttyl!

Pirty Party For One

Pity Party Rant so if your sick of reading about people bitching about their lives please move on to the next journal.

Every way i turn its like life is giving my a huge loving middle finger! I swear this some kind of horrible joke.
Found out yesterday that 2 of my friends are going to go see Pirates Of the Caribbean 3, the movie I've been dieing to see since the 2nd one 1st came out. they are going to go see it tonight (least I'm assuming) and of course I'm working! oh fucking joy! and even if i could go i still wouldn't be able to cuz they have no more room in the car for me.

then i was going to go with Scott to the city. but I forgot that i had to take the dog to the vets at 1:30, so when i call him back to tell him this his response is "oh, that's okay me and john can just go then, luv ya bye!" so yeah I'm kinda upset, have a shower, he phones back. "well how longs the dogs appointment? if its not too long you could probably still go." yeah no thanks, my dogs worth more to me then Scott and his stupid outing.
The whole reason i was going to go into the city with him so we can get stuff for paint balling. honestly i don't want to do that. i hate stuff like that. way too much violence, and just the sight of a gun (of any kind) in the real world makes my feel ill. but even that i think i could get over, what i don't think i will be able to is the pain and how I'm gonna get picked on. I've gone to these types of sports before, for me they are not fun. ill get dressed up and be ready to go out, and a group of boys will notice that I'm a girl, even better a fat girl. then while I'm out on the field they will pick on me and shoot me in the ass as many times as possible, cuz that's just how guys are. they like to hit girls in the ass. stupid dodge ball.
so for me it wont be fun. why cant we do something nice and simple like camping? or go for a picnic. but knowing Scott he will bring all his friends. fuck on our bloody wedding day I'm gonna go to bed with him, kiss him good night roll over and then wish John, Jeff and Torin sweet dreams too. oh and cant forget his computer which will probably be on my head cuz there will be no more room left for it.

I should just go out and buy 29 fucking cats, get them all neutered and spayed, buy some crap hole house and live there with my cat army and die. maybe ill buy a dog too, least then ill feel loved cuz he will greet me at the door whenever i come home.

And to top of my rant NO ONE FUCKING WILL HELP ME TAKE THE DOG TO THE VET! yeah my dads not here even though he was asked to come home before 1:30 cuz he gets off at 1. and when i asked my mom to drive me and the dog there she said yes, and then rolled over and went back to sleep. its about that time i fucking just started to punch the useless water cooler, ran downstairs and cried, CUZ NO ONE WILL FUCKING HELP ME!!!

Why is it they Always want my help, to move shit, do shit for them, go out of my fucking way for them, yet when i ask for ONE FUCKING favor NOOOOOOOOOOO that's too much for them, cuz god forbid that the rest of the world fucking help me. nope helping Ashley is like against the law and any that do will be forced to eat maggots! god it makes me so mad! everything i do that may not be that responsible and i get my ass handed back to me in a fucking plastic bag with a thank-you note attached! god i hate this fucking world! every horrible thing that happens to it (like the Ozone saying f you and leaving, children going crazy and shooting each other and so on.) they deserve! so fucking make ur own god damn cake and eat it too! you fucking ass hats from hell!

RANT END!

in other news i went to my aunts with my dog (cuz they wanted to see him) and had supper there.
was pretty boring, until Cobby (my aunts son) came in with his friend who was black. they came in and drank some milk and said hi. Cobby went and got some pie that we had out, and as his black friend was about to go grab a piece Titus growled and him and started to flip out. 1st time Titus has ever seen a black guy. so to make a long story short, Titus is Racist.

someone also phoned me at 3 in the morning on my cellphone just smashed. no clue who it was. i usually don't sleep with my cell but ever since Amanda started texting me early in the morning, I've kept it close.

something i also noticed was that Cobby got an ass load of freaking tattoos! when the hell did this happen?! he also has no neck. which is creepy.

I'm gonna go dry my evil work clothes. I'm also going to wear white socks to work and if they don't like it, toooooo fing bad! bitch!

Rage



Bloody Rage cuz thats how im feeling!

apples apples apples

Winning Sales pitch
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where
he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).
It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that
Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,
which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this,
the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits,
and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the
government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now,"
he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to
send into battle first?"

i thought that was funny!
this lady is coming over today to help us with lees paperwork and my moms all "DWAFAD! must clean house!" shes doing this because she doesn't want to look bad. honestly, if I was the nurse id think the freakishly cleaned house belonged to a bunch of nut jobs. not that that's far from the truth.

so i talked to Scott, and we actually got somewhere! I'm really quite happy with the progress! i really would have liked to stay up longer and talk more, but it was really late. me and him got maybe 4 hours at most of sleep. so i think maybe tonight we might talk more. i dunno though, he said that I'm clingy (which is funny cuz when we 1st started going out HE was the one really clingy, like a 3rd boob clingy) so we might not meet up. kinda hurt though the comment. then he also mentioned that he thinks i have no life cuz i wanna hang out with him. yeah i may want to hang out with him alot. but that's cuz i want him to be a large part of my social life, and i want to be a part of his. sadly this doesn't happen. probably cuz his idea of fun is frag parties and watching movies. mine is biking, party parties, going out to the bar with a group of friends, camping, picnics. just being outside or mingling. oh well.

in other news I've pulled an ass muscle. i didn't even think i had an ass muscle! freaking hurts though! bruises all over my ass probably doesn't help either. ^_^;

my dog is broken AGAIN! i gave him a bath (cuz he freaking reeked and had i dunno wat in his hair, and i pulled 1/2 of Canada's forests out of his ass. we only own 2 trees and a bush!) and my mom brushed him. now hes limping, i have no clue why! Scott stepped on him and he started limping again, i told Scott he broke my dog.
Jeff's hamster is also sick. it has this huge ass tumor in the corner of its eye, that Jeff doesn't give a rats ass about. anyways its gotten bigger over time so yesterday the hamster decided to try and claw it off and eat it, ewwww. (hopefully it didn't hurt its eye) we had to try and make it stop by feeding it treats.
Torin said that if we keep doing that the hamster will become a masochist and keep attacking itself for treats. and in the end it will be all beatin up and ugly still wanting treats.
Torin also told me about this time where a lil girl took her pet goldfish to the vets cuz it was swimming funny. so the vet told her to leave it there over night and he will take a look at it. yeah, he flushed the fish and bought her a new one lol.
I told Torin that now the kids going to think that every time the fish gets sick the vet will fix it. and that 20 years down the road when the girls 30, shes going to take the fish to the vet and the vet will be like "lady, its fucking fish! flush it!" then she will say that guppy has been alive for 20 years (being a freakishly old fish) and that the vet always fixed him.

then me and Torin made up explanations to why guppy kept changing in size, when he got bigger its because he ate alot. if hes smaller its because he had a lil gas before and when it was released the fish shrunk. yeah, we have no life.

i cook 2night, but i have a feeling I'm gonna be pulling a double shift again. evil KFC. I think i might try doing electrician work. might be fun! more stimulating then KFC XD and i get more moooola! me like moneys! muhahaha! but we shall see.

now all i gotta do is get some batteries for the camera so i can take pics of all the stuff Ive drawn with ze makerz!!! woot!

Hair Fetish colored



her hair started off really bright yellow, but i toned it down alot to try and give it a more natural look. even though nothing in the pic is natural lol!