or pour it out of me in one huge flash.
i wanna put it onto paper, but it seems that no matter how hard i try i cant. nothing i make can express what i feel. i hate this feeling. i hate being filled with some emotion to the point where i wanna explode, and have no way of releasing it.
I'm angry, sad, relieved, and empty.
i wanna be distinctive and throw thing, smash cups, rip papers, yell, scream, cry, show everyone how much pain I'm in. but at the same time i know that's not very constructive. i know it will only make other people angry or sad.
i haven't felt this helpless since grade 7 when i tried to hang myself. i don't want to die though. cuz i know that this will pass. i just wish i could go into a deep sleep until it passes. i wanna curl up into a ball.
my heart feels like its been shattered again. even though it still has the bandages from the last attack. maybe I'm a sucker for pain.
perhaps i can find my canvas and paint something. i find paint is a lot more releasing then markers or a computer.
I guess i should dump whats wrong with me here. its suppose to be a journal.
me and Scott have been hanging out a lil as of late. not a whole bunch, just him coming over to fix the computer. well yesterday we were suppose to go see a movie, i kinda wanted to use that as a judge as to whats going on in our relationship. cuz when i do talk to him and have been around him hes been really sweet and acting like he does actually want to be in some kind of relationship with me that might have some kind of actual meaning to it.
well in the end it ended up being Scott, Mel, my dad, and me all going. 2 more people wanted to go but there wasn't enough room.
Mel had come over before hand to say hi and pick up her hair straightener. while here Mel, me, and Scott were talking. well i noticed that when Mel was here he ignored me and payed almost all his attention to Mel. which was okay i guess. so i asked him afterwards if he still liked her he said yes and i suggested that he just take Mel out on the date. he just blushed and said she would never want to go out with him. not that he didn't want to but he figured she wouldn't.
then Scott and our family went out for supper, Scott needed to shower, and lee wanted to rent a movie so we did all that then Scott went and picked up Mel again. again i opened up the discussion as to his feeling with Mel, but Mel hopped into the car before we could really get anywhere with it. picked up my dad and went to the movie (which was the new harry potter by the way)
after the movie we dropped my dad off and i grabbed Mel a movie i was going to borrow her. when i hopped back into the car Scott is getting Mels new cell #. and we dropped her off. finally i was able to talk to him about all this and this is pretty much what i got out of it.
he would be more then happy to go out with Mel. he figured that he needed her cell # so that if he ever does get the balls to do anything he can at least call her. his only draw back is that he figures Mel would be uncomfortable with it. which she would if he was trying to take her out on a date. but i told him if he started out as friends over coffee it might work out.
So he still has eyes on her.
I told him i couldn't do what we have been if he is thinking about Mel. it isn't honestly fair to Mel if he does try to get together with her and it isn't fair to me. I told him i would talk to him later some time. he said maybe tonight i told him no. i hope he got the message.
i want to be with someone that wants me, and only me. i kinda came up with my idea of a perfect boyfriend.
he will:
be polite like Jeff, opening doors for you and such.
sweet like Scott, listening to you when you have a problem.
fun like john, always got some kind of thing to show you.
funny like Dillon, making your sides hurt.
strong like my dad.
he has to be able to take control some times.
likes to snuggle. other then to get sex.
wants to try different things, and go different places.
will enjoy going on dates that consist more then just movies.
i know, a fantasy guy but that's what i wish i could have.
perhaps ill just find some shack and go buy 30 cats. and 2 dogs. least they wont demand that much from me.
i feel so tired. i wish i didn't have to be the reliable one all the time.
gotta go downstairs and help me parents clean the basement. bye
Jem
She looks kinda how i feel.
i did that in MS paint yesterday cuz i didn't feel like loading Photoshop. i forgot the earing at 1st and had to go back and put it in. i kinda looks like crap cuz i did it really fast. oooooh well!
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