Phenol

Right now I'm chewing on a Styrofoam plate, its somehow satisfying. don't ask me why. a lot of stuff has been going on. my mom been going up and down with her drug/psychotic induced ways, my grandmother got her knee operated on, but wont stop walking on it, insisting she is fine and doesn't need help. we are trying to plan out lees future where he will go into a group home. i don't want him to go. KFC is being its usual douche self. but thats mostly my fault.
Scott's setting up my computer so i can play sims. i've become addicted to it again. mostly cuz i got the new add-on, seasons, which is pretty cool but does weird shit to my computer.
I'm kinda tired.
i had a shower at Scotts today and while i was in there i was thinking about how much things have changed and how I've becomes a bit more stressed out lately. last time this happened i went a lil crazy myself. started to plan my own death and things. it kinda started when i started making little wool noose for my dolls and hung them where ever i was sitting.
I'm scared. i don't want to go wacky again. i really don't. i don't ever want to end up like my mom. I'm scared that if i do if it will be worse then before. i don't want to die. least i don't think i do, i dunno anymore. it seems i doubt every thing now. specially me and Scott. is it wrong to want to be with someone but not want to spend the rest of your life with them? i look at me and Scott and there are so many things that we find difficult for both of us to accept of one another. i wish things were different i wish i was different. i don't feel like myself anymore. I'm wanting to be more attractive. it bothers me that i can go out and be dressed up to the 9 and yet no one seems to notice me. i feel ugly. i wish me and Scott could just cuddle.

if i do go crazy, will anyone still love me? I don't want to be alone. I'm scared of everything it seems.

no pic today. not yet at least.